When We Expect Too Much From Others

Men and women who seek to overcome homosexuality can hinder their healing by having unrealistic expectations of other people.

Bill was a 38 year old Christian who had been on the path of overcoming homosexuality for almost ten years-since he first heard of Exodus ministries. He knew that to a great extent homosexuality is a relational problem. He also knew that his lack of close male intimacy when he was a boy (his father was distant) and his lack of good peer relationships were major contributors to his same-sex attractions. In recovery, Bill was urged to work on his male relationships, and he did. He tried to get a group of guys together to do things with, and he sought to find a "best friend" with whom he could be open, honest and vulnerable. But over and over again he failed in both pursuits.

Similarly, Sarah knew that her difficulty with same-sex attractions was rooted in relationship problems from her youth, and that her day to day struggles were fueled by loneliness and by her need to be special to someone. As she walked the path of healing, she came to understand the importance of having healthy friendships with other women. Try as she might to maintain relationships, her efforts to establish relationships with other women always ended up in hurts or disappointments.

Both Bill and Sarah felt that gaining healthy same-sex friendships would be an important and necessary step in their healing, but their inability to find and to keep these relationships left them stymied and discouraged. They were right in recognizing their need, but their ideas of how the need could be met and who could meet it were wrong.

Bill was 38, but when he pictured himself as a part of a group of men, he envisioned a group of 18-25 year olds who were free to go to the movies, go to dinner, take trips, go hiking, or do whatever they wanted. Typically, guys in this age group are happy to have fun together and put few demands on each other. In contrast, most men in Bill's age group are either married or they are single and somewhat needy-just like Bill. Needless to say, Bill tried to get build friendships with younger men in his church, but he really didn't fit in with them.

Bill was no more successful in finding a best friend. Repeatedly, he would find a man whom he liked and whose interests matched his, but the man usually let him down. Bill would soon realize he was the one doing all the initiating in the relationship and the friendship wasn't going anywhere.

In her search for good female friends, Sarah became discouraged because it seemed that married women were too busy with husbands and children to have any time for her. She was more successful than Bill in finding single women her age who were looking for friendships, and she developed friendships both one-on-one and in groups. However, she found that most of these women-either from a same-sex attraction background or other single women-were often even needier than she, and after a while the relationships were draining her more than they were helping bring her to healthy, mature womanhood.

Bill and Sarah's repeated disappointments in finding the healthy relationships they sought did more than discourage them; it set them back in their healing. With each failure, old feelings of rejection came roaring back, their sense of loneliness increased, and their feelings of self-pity deepened. Anger and resentment set in, and they felt powerful urges to use their old sexual drug to deal with the pain. In addition, because it was mostly Christians who failed them, they grew more and more distant from the church.

Where They Went Wrong

1. Their model of relationships didn't fit their age group. They wanted what they saw the young singles at their church had. But they were no longer young.
2. They failed to recognize that deep friendships-best friends-take years to develop, years in which trust, understanding, acceptance and loyalty are tested and proven. They went for an immediate fix.
3. They entered relationships as "needy" people. We all need friends, especially same-sex friends, but trying to find ordinary people who can meet extraordinary needs is seldom going to be productive. And our neediness, if it shows, can drive away those who might become close friends.

Notwithstanding all of this, learning how to enter into healthy same-sex friendships is an important part of overcoming homosexuality. How, then, can we accomplish this? Here are some suggestions:

1. Lower your expectations. If you have read this newsletter for long, you know how I keep going back to Dennis Praeger's unhappiness quotient. Unhappiness equals expectations divided by reality. Expect twelve out of someone and they only deliver four, and your unhappiness quotients is three. Lower your expectations to eight and that same person delivering a four leaves you with an unhappiness quotient of only 2.

   Other people have their own problems, limitations and obligations. Don't expect so much from them, and your disappointment with them will decrease-as will your feelings of rejection, loneliness and anger. You will gain a basis for more realistic relationships.

   Accept people for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

2. Recognize that only God can meet the extraordinary needs. When I came out of homosexuality-the sexual part-I was still a very needy person emotionally. This was in the early 1970's when many Catholics and mainline Protestants were discovering Jesus through the Charismatic Renewal. Around that same time, four other men with whom I worked also came to Christ. I desperately wanted to form some sort of Christian fellowship with them, but it never happened. Furthermore, at my church none of the Christian men my age had any interest in forming a group in which we could grow together spiritually. For five years God kept every door shut that could have led me to close male Christian friendships. And so for that five years all I had was Jesus. In my daily quiet times, I got to know the Lord with a wonderful intimacy, and he poured into me all of the man's love and affirmation that I craved. At the end of the five years, He had met my extraordinary needs, and He opened the door so that I was free to find further healing and growth through relationships with other men.

   Let me be very clear that this is not the way God works for everyone; for many men and women overcoming homosexuality, God brings other same-sex friends into the picture along the way to play a part in healing and growth. Also during those five initial years when Jesus was ministering so much to me, I was continuing to seek after friendships with other men. I had not resigned myself to going it alone, just Jesus and me. But while I continued to pursue the male friendships I needed and could not find them, Jesus walked with me, helped me to grow, and met my needs.

   Jesus can be the perfect friend, counselor, brother and father-the man who will love you and never use you. He is safe. He has endless love and patience for you. Only He can meet the needs that are rooted in serious deficits and wounds from the past. But you must spend time with Him for Him to minister to you in this way.

3. Let relationships center on serving others rather than on meeting your needs. Friendships generally work best when they are on level ground, not on one person's dependency on another or on one's ministry or charity towards the other. You are a needy person, so your most likely friendship might be with another needy person, but let it be with a person who has different needs from yours. It might be someone with a physical handicap, a widowed older person, someone who needs financial or social help. You not only have a need for love, a central part of your relational need is a need to love. Often we grow to love those we serve.

4. Attach to a family. If you live near your family, work on these relationships. Granted, it is important not to fall into old destructive ways of relating or to put yourself in an abusive environment, but most of us can have some of our relational needs met in our families.

   If you have no family nearby, pray that God will attach you to another Christian family. There you might find life-giving relationships that in earlier times would have been found in your own extended family, relationships with men, women, children and older folks. All of your friends don't have to be other 38 year old singles. My whole family has been blessed over the years by close, lasting friendships with several single people. As a surrogate family, I am certain that we blessed them also.

5. Be patient. Real relationships take time. Rushing in scares people off. Idealizing people and trying to get too close to them before we really know them can be destructive and lead to great disappointment. Trusting people before we know that they are trustworthy can lead to betrayal. Hang in through the rough times as friendships take time to develop. Friendships that have been tested, that have worked through disappointment and misunderstandings are the ones that will last.

Look at your past successes and failures in achieving life-giving friendships. Where have your expectations been the problem? Have you expected more of others than most people are willing to give? Make some adjustments now. God will meet your extraordinary needs, and then relationships with others will be a part of your healing and growth.