When You Don't Love God Enough

You want to change because your sexual behavior is putting you at great risk. You want to change because you want to get married. You want to change because you feel like such a slug doing what you do. You want to change because one day your wife will find out and then it will all be over.

Are these acceptable motives? No, your Christian friend says. You must want to change because you love the Lord and you want to be the man or woman He wants you to be. You are told that selfish reasons aren't enough for a Christian. You need to do it for God, to do it as an act of love, sacrifice, and surrender to Him. Selfish reasons might be alright for secular people-that's probably all they have-but not for a Christian. For you, a Christian, acting out of selfish motives will just be a perpetuation of the old self-centered life you are trying to escape.

Many people to whom we minister express the view that if they loved the Lord more, they would stop their sinful sexual behavior. There is some truth in this, but it often presents a great dilemma. They may truly be Christians, but they are not a place in their lives where their relationship with Jesus is so personal that it can motivate them to forsake satisfying their own immediate desires in favor of pleasing their beloved Lord. In their wills and intellects they have made an honest decision to submit their sexuality to the God in whom they truly believe, but they feel-and their behavior may indicate-that their decision has not gone from the head to the heart.

One of the first things a person who laments, "If only I loved God more . . ." needs to do, is to stop beating him or herself up over not loving God enough.

Love Is the Most Powerful Motivator

Some Christians are motivated to be obedient to God primarily out of love for Him. I believe that is where I am today. But I have had some advantages that many Christians haven't had. Like many people who came to the Lord well into adulthood, I had experienced great darkness in my life; so when the light of Jesus came to me, the contrast was so overwhelming that it changed me at many levels. I fell instantly in love with Jesus and wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. This started what now has been almost 27 years of almost daily quiet times with the Lord, a great amount of time for Him to penetrate my stubborn and selfish heart.

Christians who come to the Lord earlier in life, as well as those who don't experience a dramatic deliverance at conversion-and this is probably most believers-often don't have it this easy. Intellectually they can comprehend the difference that Christ is making in their lives, but they haven't had the experiential explosion that drives the reality of this change deeply and suddenly into their hearts.

"A personal relationship with Jesus Christ" sounds like an evangelical cliche to many Christians, especially to those who have surrendered their lives to the Lord and who seek His lordship over their lives, but still lack this sense of a personal relationship. (I need to add here that such a personal relationship is not the exclusive property of those who call themselves evangelicals). But a personal relationship with the Lord and loving Him are almost always closely linked. It is possible to love someone with whom we have no personal relationship, but it is quite difficult.

Our ministry to people overcoming sexual identity and sexual addiction problems is very Christ-centered. We talk about Jesus as Savior, as healer, and as friend. Savior and healer are okay, but it is with Jesus as friend that many strugglers falter. They sense that if they knew Jesus more intimately, they would be better able to receive from Him, but that is simply not where they are-and they know it.

In such situations, my first effort of course, is to help guide them to a more personal relationship, primarily through spending meaningful time with the Lord by having regular quiet times. But we know that for many, developing such a love relationship is going to take a long time, maybe years. So are they then destined to be stuck until this happens? I don't think so. God is ready to work in their lives in other ways.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33

While they are seeking His kingdom (in essence, Him) and while they are seeking His righteousness (first as a gift credited to us, then through an obedient life), love for Him will develop. As we seek Him and His ways, He will be moving in our lives. Do we need to seek Him perfectly? Goodness, no. He is our friend and He is for us.

Our Motives, God's Motives

At the beginning of the article, I talked about selfish motives for seeking change. Love is the better motivator, but until it develops, I take the view that it may be okay with God if we want to do the right thing for selfish reasons. Remember how I noted that people will patiently carry out difficult and brave activities because they are motivated by love? The same is true of God. In His grace and mercy, He may be willing to use whatever reasons we have for seeking change. Very often, selfish reasons work, and because God is the ultimate realist, He is willing to go that way.

In addition, selfish motives-motives that are aimed at benefiting ourselves-are not necessarily wrong motives. In fact, because we serve a God who loves us, such motives often line up with His. Selfish motives can be good motives:

• I want to be able to get married
• I want to be able to enter into non-sexual, non-dependent loving relationships
• I want to gain self-confidence
• I want to gain self-respect
• I want to develop courage
• I want to have the moral fortitude to say no to lust
• I want to stop the behavior that could expose me to AIDS

You want these things because they will benefit you. But these are good motives and they very well could be God's motives for you also. Ultimately, there is a one hundred percent correlation between the truly good things that we want for ourselves and what God wants for us. Every instruction He has given us as to how we should live is for our own good.

Because none of us are fully sanctified, and therefore still have a root of selfishness in us, self-interest might be the only real practical motivator we have for change right now. Until our love for the Lord grows in us, it may be the most practical way to go. Many in the behavioral field recognize this.

If you are one of those who believe you don't love God enough to change your behavior, try this: Ask yourself what it is about your homosexuality or sexual addiction that causing you the most pain. What is it causing you to do, or preventing you from doing, that is causing you the most grief? What do you most want to change?

Then, seek to discover if this could be God's wish for you also. If it is, let this become a primary focus in your effort at changing. Do you want to get healed so that you can get married? Do you want to change so that you can really feel good about yourself as a man or woman? If after prayer, you sense that this is God's desire for you also, let this become a chief motivator for you to change. You have a loving Father who wants to give gifts to His sons and daughters. You probably believe this even if you don't feel it. Act on it.

Don't over-spiritualize your struggles. Don't require motives of yourself that aren't real for you yet. Pursue those good things that you desire. In the process, you will discover how much you need Him, and in finding Him faithful to help you meet the desires of your heart, you will grow in your love for Him.

Once we are motivated by our love for God, our struggles diminish greatly. Love is so powerful a motivator that pleasing the object of our love makes other desires start to fade in comparison. Meanwhile, go to Him with the desires of your heart and over time He will carry you to this place. So many men and women have discovered the love of God in the midst of their struggle to overcome homosexuality and sexual addiction-during the struggle, not after it's gone.