Fifteen Years of Observation

As I write this article on a Sunday afternoon, we are experiencing an unusual late March snow fall. As the snow gently falls, it is a perfect day for reflection because two important dates for Regeneration of Northern Virginia (NoVA) recently passed. October of 2002 marked the 15th anniversary for the offering of our support in the NoVA area. This past January marked my 10th anniversary of being full time with the ministry and the establishment of the NoVA office.

I attended my first Regeneration meeting in February of 1988. I remember meeting with Alan Medinger in January of that year at the Baltimore office. Although Alan has little recollection of that meeting, it was the beginning of a new journey for me. Eleven years of being active homosexually left me disillusioned and empty. I had turned my back on God but He had always remained faithful to me. This time I was ready to let Him truly be Lord over my sexuality.

When I walked into my first meeting in NoVA, the two leaders and participants sat around a large table. Within a year the table was gone and we now needed a circle of chairs to accommodate those who were seeking support. By 1990 I was now directing the support group. Through the years, we have outgrown 5 rooms and now offer a variety of programs. The leadership team has expanded to over 20 leaders. We've gone from a few participants attending our programs to now over 100 each year.

I share those numbers tentatively because we are not interested in numbers as much as we are in the hearts and lives of those who seek us out. The importance is having a contact, someone with whom they can talk openly. Regardless of why someone seeks us out, they are looking for a place which is safe and understanding.

In recent years there has been strong opposition to our ministries. Often numbers and success are used to criticize us and demand our shutting down. Those for whom our ministries did not "work" are held up as shining examples of why we should not exist. It is interesting that those for whom substance abuse programs have failed are not similarly used as justification for shutting down those types of support groups. Published data show that these groups have a success rates around 30%. What these statistics show us is how truly difficult it is to overcome life dominating struggles which holds true for our support groups as well.

I originally had wanted to write this article to share about where we were and where we are going. I felt the Lord take me in another direction however. I want to share with you what I have observed these past 15 years to be the most significant things which contribute to longevity of one's change process. Regeneration NoVA has been but a resting palace in the spiritual walks for many.

1. Having the right focus

   The men and women who seek us out are looking for healing from their sexual and relational brokenness. One of the first questions I ask them is to define what their idea of "healing" means to them. In general, their definition of healing is changing their sinful behavior in whatever way it is manifested in their lives. For some this activity may only have been in their thoughts but for others, it has become reckless abandon to sexual actions.

   Very few answer this question with the bigger picture in mind. The bigger picture is not to stop doing something but in becoming something different. The focus must be on becoming the man or woman that the Father has called us to be from the very creation of the universe! The focus needs to be becoming the true image bearer of Jesus Christ.

   Often overcoming homosexual behavior has been a life dominating struggle. As a result, our focus can become very narrow, self-aware, and limited. Often it feels as if I am the only one who has this burden to bear. Self-awareness has prevented me from seeing the struggles and burdens in those around me. All Christians are called to change. We all have lifestyles that must come under the Lordship of Jesus. All of us are in the process of change and becoming that which Christ has ordained for us.

   As part of the interview process for our programs, I try to set the focus in the right direction. The goal of any of our programs is that you will come away with a deeper intimacy with the Lord Jesus Christ. If my relationship with Jesus is truly intimate, change and healing are a byproduct of that relationship. Those I have seen experience deep change in their lives have gained this greater perspective. Their vision goes beyond the immediateness of their struggle to that which is eternal. They have chosen to follow Jesus no matter what the cost and to trust Him with their process.

2. Divine Objectivity

   Leanne Payne and her writings have had a deep impact on my life. In her book The Broken Image, Ms. Payne writes about the need for Divine objectivity. Divine objectivity is gaining the capacity to see every aspect of our lives through God's eyes. We ask for the Holy Spirit's help to take off the lenses of dysfunction through which we have seen our lives for many years. We ask Him to correct our vision.

   Sexual brokenness generally keeps us very self-aware. Because we live in a performance-based-acceptance world, our self-awareness often turns inward into self-hatred and loathing. Our vision is so earthly bound that we are limited in our capacity to be heavenly inspired. Like the daughter of Abraham who's back was bent, we cannot look up and out of ourselves to see the heavens.

   Divine objectivity personally has brought me two needed perspectives which I lacked. The first was to see temptation aright. The goal of temptation is to call us out of our true center in Christ and doubt who we are in Him. Often when we have given into temptation, we also give into its capacity to put labels back on us again (i.e. sexual addict).

   Since temptation does not have the power to overcome me, it can show me how far God has brought change in my life. Temptation I experience today often I could not have overcome in the years gone by. This is because God has brought change in my life which now allows me to overcome it! I now see temptation as a means through which to see how God's healing power has been made manifest in my life.

   The other area I needed to see aright was when God brought up areas of brokenness in my heart. Often this would depress me as yet here is another thing that needs to be addressed, another thing "wrong" with me! The choice before me is to either look at this area with the usual self-hatred of my past or to see it as another opportunity for His healing power to be made manifest in my heart. Each time the Lord brings revelation and change to my heart, I now feel another portion of me has been transformed into His Image!

   Hiddenness and isolation are hallmarks of relational dysfunction. As the relationally broken allowed God's objectivity to be brought into their lives through others, the more I have seen their lives changed. I have seen this objectivity provided through counselors, pastors, and/or friends. Transparency and honesty helps remove the garments of shame and brings the struggler into God's healing Presence. I have seen God bring incredible, lasting change in His people's lives as they began to gain His objectivity.

3. Getting back to the basics

   Our preoccupation with feeling okay is seen in the myriad of self-help books available in bookstores. I'm not indicating that we should ignore resources that God makes available. However, there is one book that often gets left behind because of the availability of such resources. That book is God's Word! How often would we rather read someone's commentary on God's Word than read His Word directly?

   It has become my practice to ask the question of first time visitors to the office what role the Scriptures play in their lives. I ask if they themselves have looked up the Scriptural references on homosexuality and sexual sin. Often they have heard others teach on these Scriptures but have not themselves searched the Word of God. My advice is to allow the Holy Spirit to establish the Scripture's authority in their hearts. I recommend that they seek fresh "manna" each day for their lives. His Word is alive and becomes alive in our hearts, sustaining us.

   Scripture reading, meditation, quiet time, and prayer are good disciplines for our lives. In their absence, the enemy has greater opportunity to increase his deception and lies. In an age when there is so much around us seeking our attention, we can overlook the time-tested ways of experiencing God's changing power. How often have I seen the way to handle the difficult situations in my life was to simply rest in God's Presence and on His truth.

As I reflected on these observations, I was reminded that the saints before us did not have the incredible resources that we have today. It truly came down to nothing more than having a deep, intimate relationship with God that brought them through. In our world of complex technology, we can lose sight of the basics. I am not in any way advocating the abandoning of the incredible resources we have at our finger tips, it's just that they cannot replace relationship. If I have all the understanding and knowledge regarding my brokenness, it is still lacking without relationship.

What have these 15 years shown me? Change is the result of relationship with the One who knows me by name. Those who truly embrace their process recognize that it is a lifetime calling to be submitted to truth and the yielding of their rights to Jesus. It is a calling which places me on a narrow path that many fear to walk. It is a commitment to the higher calling to becoming the image bearer of Christ. It is in becoming that I truly overcome.