Power to Respond

By Judy Johnston

Femininity is a beautiful gift.
God created femininity.
It is good.
It nourishes.
Femininity is lovely.
It imparts life.
It is mysterious.

I didn't always have such a positive view of femininity. For many years, I correlated being feminine with being seductive and equated being a woman with being sexual. That's what femininity was all about, or so I thought . . . . But it is so much more.

Pornography's Impact

My skewed views on femininity began in my family. Playboy magazine was in our home, and although it was stashed in my Dad's room, everyone knew it was there. We have a family video where my dad is sitting on the deck perusing a Playboy on a family vacation. One Christmas my brothers gave my grandparents Playboy magazines in their stockings. Everyone laughed. My family still laughs about that almost thirty years later. For most of my life, these incidents just didn't seem like a big deal to me. But they were. And I don't think it's funny anymore.

I have seen the destruction that pornography has on families. Men who are addicted to it are in bondage. Women who have husbands addicted to it are hurt, angry, and feel used. Children who are exposed to it develop very harmful and negative ways of viewing sexuality, like I did. To this day, whenever I speak to a group about the effects of pornography, I have to remind myself that it is a big deal and that it really is damaging. Because I was exposed to pornography growing up, I believed a number of lies: Women are objects. Being seductive is what men want you to be. Men don't want a relationship, they just want an orgasm. Sex is something you do to feel good, it's not about the other person.

In addition to the way pornography effected my view of sex and sexuality, the "perfect" images of women (air-brushed, though they are) on magazine covers perpetuated the idea that a thin, big-busted figure is what real beauty is. In our society, it is difficult for women to feel okay about their bodies. I struggled with body image for years and desired to have the kind of figure I saw on those magazine covers. I knew I could never be five foot eleven and 110 pounds. I'm four foot eleven and 110 pounds! When I look in the mirror, I would see my bulging thighs and my not-so-flat tummy and feel so disappointed with my body. My weight fluctuated a lot, and ten pounds in either direction on my small frame made a huge difference.

Then Jeff came along and helped me to see that a woman's body was made to have curves. He'd point out statues of women in museums, and say, "Look at that, Judy. That's how God designed a woman." And they'd have full thighs and rounded stomachs-and I began to see my body in a new light. The bulging pooch below my belly button was normal! The way my thighs and hips curved upward into a small waist was beautiful. I like my body now. I don't have to look like the images of women on magazine covers.

The Impact of Sexual Abuse

In addition to pornography, sexual abuse in my family also contributed to my faulty beliefs about femininity and myself. Just as porn was "normalized," so was the abuse. The tremendous amount of denial in my family meant that no one called what happened "sexual abuse." But there was. My grandfather inappropriately kissed a female relative, and when that relative told my mom, my mother replied, "Oh grandpa is so innocent! His second wife taught him how to do that. He didn't know any better!" She laughed it off. This same grandfather would sit in the back seat of the car and grab at the breasts of the woman in the front seat while her husband was driving. Though there was nervous laughter, no one did anything about his behavior.

My eldest sister committed suicide three years ago, and I believe that one of the roots of her deep pain was the sexual abuse that occurred in her life as a young girl. It has taken me years of asking family members very specific questions for me to come to grips with the reality of the abuse and to uncover the truth. In doing so, I've discovered that my grandfather wasn't the only one in the family who was abusive sexually.

You might ask why I would want to uncover these terrible hidden things. Because my life was affected by them and I want to be free. Because my marriage is being affected by them, and I want to have a healthy marriage. Because my femininity was damaged, and I want to be the woman God created me to be.

What Is Femininity?

"To be." That is a large part of what it means to be feminine. Andy Comiskey, author of the Living Waters program, defines femininity as follows:

The capacity to be, that state out of which comes the power to respond to God and to others. The true feminine nourishes relationship . . . Imparts life to others. Discernment and wisdom flow out of this responsive faculty when it is joined with God. Feminine ways of knowing issue out of intuitive faculties that may defy the rational and observable.

What a beautiful description of femininity! That's what God made. That's what He intended.

Imparting Life through Relationship

God gave women the wonderful gift of bearing children . . . imparting life to another. I've given birth to three children, and it was an extraordinary experience each time. But whether or not a woman gives birth to a child, every woman can impart life to those around her. Edith Stein, a contemplative nun and martyr of the Holocaust, states, "Both spiritual companionship and spiritual motherliness are not limited to the physical spouse and mother relationships, but they extend to all people with whom woman comes into contact." For me, I am aware of how I can impart life to my children every day as I nurture them, listen to them . . . as I BE with them. Non-mothers and mothers alike can impart life to others through their femininity.

The true feminine nourishes relationship. It's a gift God has given to us women, and in our truest, healthiest femininity we are good at being in relationship with others. In Genesis 2:22, we read, "The LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man." As distinct from Adam whom God formed from the dust of the ground (Genesis 2:7), Eve was formed from Adam's side. The initial creation of woman was itself a relational act-she was formed from that which was once connected to another. Is it any wonder that women have a natural desire to join and connect? Out of the true feminine comes our natural ability to nourish relationships and to respond to others.

Today, we know that women have higher levels of oxitocen, a chemical released when a woman breastfeeds her child. While breastfeeding, oxitocen helps a mother to relax and nourish the child. A recent study found that under the same stress that causes a man's body to release testosterone, a woman's body releases oxitocen, This means that in response to stress a man will more likely become more aggressive (enabling him to better fight for and protect others from danger in a fight or flight situation), while a woman will more likely seek out the company of a girl friend or a family member with whom she can talk. A woman's natural instinct is to befriend other women. As such, women have a profound responsiveness to the needs of others.

Sin, Vulnerability, and Self-Protection

As women are able to embrace who they are in their unique capacity to respond to God and others, it is natural for them to let the people around them be who they are. There is no need to manipulate events or emotions. But when Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, Eve's unique gift of bearing life became painful. Genesis 3:16 states that "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Though it was God's intention for men and women to be in right relationship with Him and with each other, women may bend into men, finding security in being ruled over. Or in an attempt to protect themselves from being hurt by men, women may reject femininity.

God intended that men and women complement each other in their respective strengths, not in their brokenness. It was His intention for woman to be protected by man, not violated by him. It was His intention that women feel safe enough to be vulnerable and honest about who we are and what we need. But if we haven't known safety in our broken relationship with man, we attempt to make ourselves secure in other ways. We grasp, we control, we cover vulnerability, and we protect ourselves.

I spent most of my life protecting myself. I pretended not to be bothered by events or the emotions of those around me. I was not honest about how I felt about things that happened in my life. I denied that I had deep wells of pain. I hated my emotions. I felt embarrassed when I cried. I shoved down feelings of anger, hurt, and pain because I hated the way those emotions felt and I wasn't taught that it was okay to experience one's emotions. Years of stuffing my feelings lead to a battle with depression, which I've come to realize is far worse than experiencing my emotions. The pain I was experiencing was trying to tell me something, but I had learned the family pattern of denial. It took (and still takes) a lot of work to figure out what I'm feeling and why, but when I do, depression dissipates. We should not be quick to get rid of pain until we have benefited from it.

As I face the reality of the pain in my life, and as I experience my emotions, feelings have become less intimidating and I am not as afraid to feel. And as the pain is felt, I am comforted, and comfort brings healing to the pain. And then peace comes in, and I'm embraced by a calm I've never known before. I still battle with anxiety at times, but then I ask myself, "Is it better to suffer with chronic anxiety than to face the emotions my heart thinks are worse?" Every time, the answer is "no."

Vulnerability with Wisdom

As my emotions get healed, I am better able to be the woman God created me to be. I am honest and vulnerable, but I am also wise about whom to trust with that vulnerability. I can protect myself in a healthy way . . . not in a destructive one. God gave us the gift of discernment and wisdom, and in our healthiest femininity these gifts can be trusted. Vulnerability used to imply weakness to me, but coupled with discernment and wisdom, vulnerability actually demonstrates great strength.

One of my goals is to be the same on the outside as I am on the inside. Although I've done a good job of outwardly appearing confident and secure most of my life, inside I was full of anxiety and fear. As I'm learning to be honest with others and myself about my true feelings, my inner self and outer self are becoming one. I Peter 3:3 states that "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I am pretty outgoing, and I wouldn't exactly define my personality as quiet and gentle. But as more and more healing occurs in my life, my spirit is being transformed, and it IS gentle and quiet when it is at it's healthiest. My inner self is becoming calm and peaceful. Thanks be to God for what He is doing in my life.

An example of this is how I am more comfortable with who I am and less consumed with how other people view me. Because of this, I find that it's easier to have healthy boundaries. Growing up, I had such an intense desire to be liked and accepted that I didn't develop good boundaries . . . especially with men. I see this pattern at work all the time in the lives of the women in my family as well. I remember one of my relatives saying, "As long as they are happy, I am happy." It struck me that I tried to please people at the expense of myself. I've seen that I have sometimes lacked boundaries with my children. As a parent, it is crucial that I develop good boundaries with my children, or they will walk all over me . . . and they have! As I develop better boundaries and mean what I say and say what I mean, I am surprised to find that my children obey much better. Imagine that!

There are ways in which my lack of boundaries has affected my marriage too. Recently, friends were over for dinner and I was scrambling around preparing to get the meal on the table when Jeff came to the kitchen and asked me for something. In the past, I would have dropped all that I was doing to get what he asked for (boundaryless!), but instead, I was able to say, "You'll have to get it yourself," and I continued what I was doing. I'm learning that it is okay for me to say "no." It is not my job to make everyone happy. It is wise to have boundaries.

I am struck by how much I have talked about responding in this article. The power to respond to God and others is such a significant part of what it means to be feminine. But in our brokenness, we don't always respond to God and those around us in healthy ways. My prayer for us, women, is that God will resurrect the feminine part of our souls and we can find the healing He longs for us to have. As this healing takes place, we can truly reflect the image of God.