When I was 22, I remember walking alone across my college campus late at night, ashamed and angry. I looked up at the stars and prayed out loud, “God, I know you love me, and I love you. I also know you hate what I’m doing and I hate it too. So why won’t you change me!?” I’d been viewing pornography again, and sexual sin in my life was something I both hated and loved. I’d read books, tried...
Giving More Than You Are
Comedian Jim Gaffigan describes what it’s like to have four children: “Imagine you’re drowning…and then someone hands you a baby.” When my wife and I first heard this, we had just had our fourth and both of us almost jumped out of our seats, exclaiming “Yes! That’s exactly how it feels!” We had already been giving so much, working so hard to keep our heads above water. How could we take care of...
Merciful Hunger
You should see the way I look at a menu. It’s ridiculous. I peruse the whole thing, narrow down my options, then narrow those down again, then go back and forth weighing the remaining options. I think about calories, calculate cost, try to predict how I’ll feel when I’m done, and consider how likely I am to find each dish again anytime soon. Sheesh, you’d think I was selecting someone to raise my...
What Only Hunger Can Do
Are you satisfied yet? When I look around my home, my office, my schedule, my life, I see evidence everywhere that I am not. My fridge is full. So are my cabinets. My closet has items I haven’t worn in a year. I have stacks of books in my office—must-reads as well as a whole shelf marked “skim.” Too often, my calendar feels like I’m playing Tetris. Then there’s my phone: that dinging, buzzing...
Humble and Whole
Last week, we explored the surprising reality that although it seems like we have no control over the things preventing us from making the changes necessary to overcome our addictions, it’s actually more often the case that the crises themselves are a part of whatever addiction we’re wrestling. I remember a time early in my recovery from pornography addiction when I had promised to housesit for a...
Using Chaos to Stay Stuck
Do you have a habit or addiction you’ve been trying unsuccessfully to break? If so, you might unwittingly be using chaos to keep yourself stuck. Anytime we’re working to grow, we’re going to face resistance. Change, even good change, can be scary. The flesh, or the “old man,” offers a way out: chaos. If life gets too chaotic—if crisis comes, if the bottom falls out, if I get slammed with...
