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Grief for Transgendered Loved Ones, but Not Despair

Grief is a natural response when we hear bad news of human sin and suffering. But sometimes my grief has taken me too far.

Recently, a friend confided in me that his daughter is now identifying as a boy. He’s heartbroken, and I am heartbroken with him. He looks at pictures in which his daughter looks happy, strong, healthy, bright and beautiful. Now she insists she is he/him, dresses differently, and goes by a new name. He said it is like looking at a different person sometimes. When she turns eighteen, she plans to begin taking testosterone (“T”). My friend does not know if his daughter will pursue surgery, but he fears she will.

Abigail Shrier’s 2021 book, Irreversible Damage, documents the alarming rise especially among young females experiencing a kind of late onset gender dysphoria. Just as alarming, the number of parents and professionals who are encouraging these young people to “transition” also seems to be on the rise. Shrier’s title includes “irreversible” for good reason, since some of the interventions have lifelong consequences.

(Meanwhile, this year in Sweden—where puberty blockers had been an unquestioned go-to for gender dysphoric youth for many years—the Swedish Board of National Health and Welfare this year changed its guidelines, citing evidence-based research indicating that natural puberty is a healthy part of a developing identity and hormonal interventions pose more risks than benefits.)

As those who follow Jesus, the One “well acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3), and as His body, it is right that we would grieve every kind of pain, sin, loss, and death on the earth. So certainly, it is a right response to grieve for those who are in conflict with their own bodies, grieve when they pursue medical interventions that combat their God-given biology, and grieve any irreversible damage being done.

Even so, we must pray against despair. Despair takes grief too far. Grief acknowledges loss, but despair believes all is lost. With God, this is never the case. Even when someone makes irreversible decisions about their life or their body.

Remember that Jesus’ followers despaired what happened to Jesus physically.

“As many were astonished at you—his appearance was so marred, beyond human semblance, and his form beyond that of the children of mankind— so shall he sprinkle many nations.” (Isaiah 52:14-15a ESV)

For all intents and purposes, the scourging, crucifixion, and bodily death Jesus experienced was irreversible. His disciples understood it to be the end of the story. And yet it wasn’t.

If you have a loved one experiencing gender dysphoria, identifying as someone other than the male or female they are, pursuing medical interventions, or even hardly recognizable to you now, know that we grieve with you and pray for you. If you yourself are experiencing gender dysphoria or any kind of inner-conflict, you are not alone and you are deeply loved.

No matter your situation today, I have no words to make all you’re going through better in this moment, but if you can, turn your eyes toward the crucified and risen Jesus, pour out your heart to Him, and hold to His living body.

He is our hope and the hope of those we love!

Friends, let’s pray today for all those with gender dysphoria and for their family and friends.

With you,

Josh

5 thoughts on “Grief for Transgendered Loved Ones, but Not Despair”

  1. Josh, thank you for not carrying the burden of trying to have a nice neat answer that puts a pretty, Christian bow on life’s hard places. Someday God’s kingdom will be revealed in all its fullness, and until that day we will be blessed if we mourn with those who mourn in the assurance that Jesus will comfort us and those we love.

    1. Josh, one other thought. It seems to me that grief/mourning is intended to be for a season. That season maybe brief or quite prolonged, but in order for grief/mourning not to turn into despair (which distorts our identity in Him) at some point we need to recognized that grief has served its purpose, and now we must choose how we will move forward and live as a follower of Jesus through the power of his Holy Spirit.

  2. Josh,
    My almost 50 year old daughter has identified as male for over 20 years, and I am still grieving. I’ve lost my DAUGHTER, and yet she is still here. She is not my SON! My question is, can you share stories of people transformed? I place all my hope in Jesus moment by moment. I have prayed for friends who have had miraculous healing from cancer, but I have never seen or heard of a person who has testified to the power of Jesus over their gender dysphoria. If you have testimonies to share I would be greatly encouraged by them.
    Thank you for your ministry.
    Venette Andrews

    1. Hi Vedette, thank you for sharing your heart and a little of your story. I’d love for you to read or hear some testimonies, and I’m praying there will be more and more to find. For now, check out https://lindaseiler.com, as well as https://changedmovement.com (Changed Movement is primarily about those who have left behind LGB, but there are a handful of men and women who share stories of leaving transgenderism behind as well). In the meantime, I will be praying for you and your daughter!

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