Andrea  
Rebecca’s back. And just from the conversation leading into the studio right now, our topic brought up a lot of real reactions didn’t,

Rebecca  
because it felt good to be here. I think so.

Andrea  
I think so. So walking in, we’re like, Okay, well, we’re together for another episode of sacred by design, and I love what we’re about to dig into, especially because of all the reactions that we got as we came to these chairs. Because being alone is one thing. Being lonely, is very different. I’m, I know myself, I’m surrounded by a lot of people every day, on a daily basis in close proximity, but I can still feel lonely. So when we say loneliness, we’re talking about more than being alone. Right?

Rebecca  
And thinking about it, I? What’s the what’s the opposite, then? Because exactly what you’re saying, if you can be alone and feel lonely, you can be in a whole mess of people. And feel lonely, because it’s, it’s a felt sense of, of being known that we’re that we’re missing, that we’re longing for maybe to be known and really, to be loved. Right.

Andrea  
Yeah, to be. That’s right. And when we specifically talk about our focus, and our heart and our ministry here at regeneration ministries, we walk with clients or patterns and behaviors and their life. And loneliness is it’s not something that just be brushed off, it is powerful. And whether you’re addicted to alcohol, food, sex, the acronym halt is a powerful tool in recovery. And the H stands for hungry, a angry, l, lonely, and T tired. These represent for risk states, to consider before moving forward towards your drug, towards the pantry, towards the phone towards the computer towards whatever it is. So learning to recognize the states and even appreciate loneliness as a risk state might be step one,

Rebecca  
right to use that I love that how quick and snappy that that’s a that’s a check in a way to check in with yourself. Because how quick can that we feel that loneliness? We panic, it registers as a threat. And we think how do I get out of this? How do I not have to feel this. And we skipped over just even knowing what it is that we’re feeling right to whatever it is to try to get to try to get out of that. So to first just just to halt, like the acronym says to stop and say what’s what, what’s going on for me right now. And if loneliness is a part of that, it’s hard to it’s hard to touch that.

Andrea  
And we loneliness has a lot of shame associated with it. Mm hmm. Right?

Rebecca  
I think in any in any state in life, too. Do you see that it comes out whether whether you’re single or married or young or old, like whatever state you’re in, there’s some there’s times of loneliness. And there’s his own bit of shame of of acknowledging that. I’ve seen that play out for sure.

Andrea  
So easier said than done. But if you can subtract shame, from the feeling of being loneliness, lonely, I think the question that you just asked is like, you know, what am I feeling here? What am I looking for here? That’s a really good shift, or pivot to take with yourself to address the state of loneliness, and take some of the risk out of that state. Does that seem fair?

Rebecca  
Yeah. And it’s, it’s hard to acknowledge it. But to first do that, and real quick, we want to problem solve, we want to fix it, we want to get to solutions. And that might come but also some, some comfort might come just from that, just from acknowledging it, and especially inviting God into it.

Andrea  
And this is something we’re called to, to be known and loved. God wired us this way.

Rebecca  
It’s, it’s it he shows it to us in his talking about being made in the image of God. He key is the Trinity shows us communion in himself. And how and how in his outpouring of love, He created us to be in communion with us. We are we’re so wired for this. So I think there. There there can be a tension sometimes of we’re wired for this. We’re designed for it. It’s a B Beautiful thing about us as, as human beings, the connection that we can have. And we do experience that here we can. And at the same time, there’s a more, there’s a part of us that and in a more transcendent way we’re longing for like a deep, deep communion to be fully known, fully loved, that reflects our communion with God. That’s a big thing I’m talking about right there. How our deep connections here, now are beautiful in and of themselves, and also reflect an even fuller deeper communion and, and sense of being known and loved, that God wants to give to us. And, and I think we feel that tension sometimes that we don’t even even if we have really rich connections, and relationships, there are there there are times where we still experience loneliness, within friendships within marriage, and family, within work and community, there are still times like that. And so some of that, which we’ll talk more about, but some of that discernment is, I’m feeling lonely. Is there something really wrong here that I need to fix I need to problem solve, and maybe not maybe it is just some some time of yeah, there’s there. There’s a trend. I want to be more deeply more fully known. And I can’t have that fully from the people in my life right now.

Andrea  
Because connection is hard. But connection is key.

Rebecca  
Yeah. Yeah.

Andrea  
And COVID really, really did a number on connection.

Rebecca  
Yeah. Yeah. I think it’s like it. Put a magnifying glass for like the sun to bake through. Yeah, things that were already happening, we have a million ways to, to contact people. But not a whole lot of connection happening. We know so our worlds or our circles are big. We have lots of ways to get involved. And yet more and more, we retreat. And we see that a lot. I think just that got a microscope the past couple of years.

Andrea  
There is no lack of humans on this earth. And we’re supposed to be connected with each other. And I know we’ve touched on COVID. But why? Why does loneliness feel so prevalent right now? Because it feels like a real, real issue.

Rebecca  
Like the thing everybody wants, but nobody wants to talk about. It feels like one of those. Because it’s it feels it feels risky to talk about it. It’s vulnerable. And yet, that’s how it happens.

Andrea  
But you’re making the face. It feels risky.

Rebecca  
I don’t want to do.

Andrea  
So it feels risky. It is vulnerable. Yeah.

Rebecca  
One of my favorite examples of this was a time where I was wanting some wanting some some deeper friendships or friendships of people who were in a similar place in life. And I went to a different I went to a small group at a different church, because I kind of heard that they had some things going on, right? So I show up and and this one girl says, Oh, so you don’t go to our church and like, Yeah, well, feeling a little bit awkward. She’s like, Oh, so you’re here to make friends, aren’t you? And immediately there’s a part of me that wanted to go no, no, that’s not why I’m here. I’ve just just here for for Jesus. I’m just here for I don’t know, the food. But I pause just a second. I said, yeah, yeah, that’s, that’s a big part of why we’re here. And we are actually friends which that that time that time it worked out. But it took I felt that riskiness right in the moment to say, Yeah, I do I need I need that. So then I can share other times where I’ve had had good good community or good you know, friends and but still, but still felt that and and it looked more like just saying, God, can you be with me? Here? I’m feeling lonely. Can you? Can you be with me right now to invite Him into it. And not necessarily do anything or change anything. But just to to acknowledge it with them and be there with them.

Andrea  
That’s a beautiful first. That’s a beautiful pivot to instead of just feeling bad and isolating yourself further loneliness can be pushed through. But it does involve risk. And there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging you need to feel connected to other people. I love and even in the story of creation, where, you know, God creates the sun and it’s light in it is good, and the mountains and it is good. And Adam, and it is good. But then the only thing that was not good was Adam needs somebody Adams alone, he needs a partner connection, a friend. And so Eve comes, you know, this, it’s not good to be alone. And so taking the time to recognize where that loneliness is for you.

Rebecca  
It’s important. Yeah. And sometimes we have, there’s, there’s a inkling that if we just kind of ignore it, or we or we don’t, don’t acknowledge it, that it’ll sort itself out, or it’ll go away, but it comes out. And in other ways, because we have a need, we have a longing, and this is we’re talking deeply, deeply wired for this kind of connection, deeply wired to be known and to be loved, that’s a good and beautiful part of ourselves. And if, if there is more of a need there, if there’s longing there, that’s not being met, then we will, we will seek it out in other ways, whether that’s conscious or not, but will, will, and we see this in lots of different ways. But we might, we might react, we might even push people away or protest. Even though that’s so we want that the most who’s maybe see that a lot in couples especially like, so want that connection, we still want to be seen by a spouse but but in that feeling that we we react, we we push away we we make a jab or, or the opposite will will withdraw will give up believe this is just how it is. Or this is this is because of me. And believe things about ourselves that that aren’t that aren’t good and true, beautiful things that were that were wired for this will will distract and tried to numb out that feeling. Try not to feel it. And you listed a number of ways, certainly that we we walk with, with people here at regeneration, when they turn to turn to pornography, but turn to turn to alcohol turn to our phones turned to busyness turn to like over, over doing over serving or pleasing others as a sense of if I’m if I’m contributing, if I’m helpful, then then I’m valued. And these are real, real readily available to us much more than then making or keeping maintaining relationships. Those ones are hard. 

Andrea  
Yeah, those ones are hard. If we’re deeply wired I feel like that’s something that is a great acknowledgement and like just considering consideration to really sit with is I’m deeply are I’m wired deeply for longing. I’m, this is how I’m wired. This is how we all are. So we all share this. We all share this. So that kind of takes some of the the I don’t know, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. But we all share this is not Yeah, it was only you.

Rebecca  
That’s a that’s a starting point. That’s it. Yes,

Andrea  
thank you. But so that being said, if you’re not the initiator of a conversation, like recognizing that about yourself, and maybe either admitting that to a safe person or or trying to initiate a conversation, how was your day, just because acknowledging that you have this need to be connected to people, and then that leads to with kindness, with patience. With time, then you get to learn a little bit more about yourself. Like I’m not an initiator, I am an initiator. I love to be in a huge group of people, I just need one person. And it doesn’t look the same for everybody. But when we were first talking or a little bit earlier, you were saying that to acknowledge loneliness is one thing, but then to and God to invite God into that.

Rebecca  
Right? What would it? What would it be like? If, if we felt that loneliness, and we could feel it just a little bit? And instead of that being being a risk or a threat, we could say, oh, yeah, there, there it is that longing, that hunger that I have, for deeper connection, that that innate, God given desire to want to be known. And love, that’s such a good part of me. But first to start there and say, yeah, that is I’m feeling that longing. And feeling not as not as known. I’d love to maybe, as I as I want to be naming that first and, and first inviting, and then inviting God to be there with you, in that space, to sit with him in it. That’s, that sounds so simple, but that is it’s a hard, it’s a hard thing, just to just to slow it down enough to say, okay, yeah, feeling some loneliness. That’s a an I am sacred by design, God has given me this, this desire to be known and loved, that’s a good thing, a good part of me. And God, I’m really feeling that longing right now. And could you be with me in it?

Andrea  
I love that. And, you know, I love what you just said about, okay, I’m feeling long or loneliness. There it is. I mean, just even the the change and inflection of your voice, to give yourself that kind of character Don’t be like, a lonely again, and angry about it, or sad about it, or you don’t just depressed or stuck in it, but in to even just raise the inflection of your voice a little bit, can really raise your posture a little bit, change your vision, I do believe that I really do believe that if you’re able to say, there it is, I’m feeling this again. Okay, I’m lonely, and then inviting God into it. So this idea of halt, halt is great, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I hope that this conversation serves as like a gentle speed bump, you know, to kind of slow down the process because the cycle of being hungry and turning to whatever the drug of choice is angry, lonely, tired. I hope that you hear these words and God’s invitation to sit with you and that feeling and really discover discover more about yourself.

Rebecca  
Right to slow down enough to name it, then we can say okay, what is where is my nourishment? Or where do i Where do I need to be fed literally, maybe?

Rebecca  
Or? Or

Rebecca  
in other practical ways? I think I and so this, there might be some time slowing down naming it inviting God into it. There might be some times where that is. That may be enough at a time. Like you’re saying that I’m not stuck here. This isn’t a threat, but to be with God in this moment and we can go through together and that there are some times where that may be enough. There are certainly times to where we’re then you might say okay, God, help me with some discernment of Where where are you? Or are you calling me to be more known and loved because it might be from him? By inviting him into it, he might say I know you I love you and let keep turned to me look to me and let me let me love you. He may want to show his love to us through through other other means through some maybe some reconciliation that’s hard. Maybe through taking that risk and trying something new, or meeting some new people. So to to to name it, invite God into it and then ask him where are our Where are you call me to be more known and land maybe maybe from him or maybe from someone who in our life already or from something new. But looking at it less less of a threat less as a as I’m stuck that guy Hey, I’m, I’m hard wired by God Himself, this picture of love in community, to be known and to be loved.

Andrea  
It’s not just where you’re at, but it’s where you’re going. And I feel like that’s what the questions do is take you out of where you’re at, and then move you towards where you’re going. So in your experience with clients and just as being a human person, I am that Yes. Is there a prayer or a practice that you feel helps? With loneliness?

Rebecca  
Any of this is striking a chord for listeners, we wanted to end with something to to help help us to invite God into it if if we’re experiencing some loneliness now, so we’ll do a short practice of Lectio Divina with some excerpts from Psalm 71. So you can just listen and follow along. I’m going to read it three times total. The first time just listen and take it in fresh. In you, oh, Lord, do I take refuge let me not be put to shame in your righteousness, deliver me and rescue me. Incline your ear to me. Be to me a rock of refuge to which I may continually come. Oh, Lord, You are my hope. Be not far from me. I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again, from the depths of the earth. You will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. The second time, listen for a word or phrase that stands out to you. And you oh Lord, do I take refuge? Let me not be put to shame in your righteousness, deliver me and rescue me. Incline your ear to me. Be to me a rock of refuge to which I may continually come. of Lord, You are my hope. Be not far from me. I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again. From the depths of the earth. You will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. This third and final time, ask God simply when do you have to say to me through that word or phrase in You oh Lord, do I take refuge? Let me not be put to shame in your righteousness. Deliver me and rescue me. Incline your ear to me. Be to me a rock of refuge to which I may continually come. Oh Lord, You are my hope. Be not far from me. I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. You who made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again. From the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. Thanks, Rebecca.