We hope by now you’ve come to expect the unexpected from Sacred by Design. Sexuality and Singleness is what we are talking about today!
That being said, many of you might assume the life of a single, Christian woman means numbing and suppressing desires.
Being single doesn’t just mean not having sex. There is so much more. Are you willing to give God the space, as you listen to this podcast, to embrace a different perspective about your sexuality in your singleness?
Acknowledge the sad, angry, frustrated feelings.
Make space for the struggle in it.
And, then consider bringing it all to Jesus in exchange for all He has just for you.
God wants you to be able to express how you’re feeling. He’s not expecting you to dampen it and push your desires down. He wants all of you. Bring it all to Him.
Jesus wants to be with you as we feel your feelings. He doesn’t want to turn you away.
Hebrews 4:15-16 “For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize and understand our weaknesses and temptations, but One who has been tempted [knowing exactly how it feels to be human] in every respect as we are, yet without [committing any] sin. Therefore let us [with privilege] approach the throne of grace [that is, the throne of God’s gracious favor] with confidence and without fear, so that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find [His amazing] grace to help in time of need [an appropriate blessing, coming just at the right moment].”
God has created you and empowered you to be able to know how to steward your sexual desires. Do you believe that? Can you start praying for that?
Paul Tripp – “Each pleasurable thing was perfectly created and designed to reflect and point to the greater glory of the one who created it.”
Are you willing to come to the Lord with open hands and say, “I want Your best for me, whatever that looks like.”
“Our identity as people is not dependent upon whether or not we have sex. To be fully human is not to have sex but to fully know and love others like Christ.” Rescue Plan: Charting a Course to Restore Prisoners of Pornography; Deepak Reju and Jonathan Holmes.
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This Show’s Transcription
Sexuality and Singleness at Regeneration, we see many single women who struggle with the desire to experience sexual intimacy. Sometimes they’re frustrated, sad, maybe even angry that they can’t enjoy God’s gift of sex. So that is what we’re talking about today. Kyle, how are you encouraging women who have this struggle?
Well, sometimes people are surprised when I let them feel all the feelings. It knows so so many Christian women know like, I’m not supposed to, they know that. But they also think that means that they need to suppress these feelings that they have been angry, sad, upset, or whatever it is. So I just give them space and say, Hey, let’s just feel the feelings about this first, because God wants you to be able to express how you feeling. He’s not expecting you to damping it, and push it down. He wants because he wants all of you. And so if he’s not picking and choosing, he wants every single part of you. So we take some time and sit and feel the feelings. And you know, a lot of Christian women will say, you know, well, you know, I’m no, I’m not supposed to feel this way. And, you know, Scripture says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they go through the Scripture, just kind of try to justify why they shouldn’t feel the way they are feeling. But here’s the truth. Jesus wants to be with us when we feel the feelings. He never turned anyone away when they’re feeling certain things. Can you imagine what the woman at the well was feeling? When, you know, she’s trying to dance around having this really deep conversation with the Lord. She talked about, hey, well, you’re a Jew, and I was a Marian and go all that. There’s feelings that she’s feeling. But Jesus, just stay there with her. Yeah, to sat there until she could talk about what she needed to talk about. And so he’s like that with us. He wants to be in the feelings with us. And us because he also has the answer for the feeling. So, you know, just give them this opportunity just to feel all the things that they’re feeling. So that they have they know that here is an outlet. This is a way God’s not looking at the situation in this moment condemning anybody. So I’m not only that, like Jesus gets it. And I think we forget that Jesus gets it right, Hebrews 415, or 16 says, this high priest of ours understands our weaknesses. For he faced all of the same testings as we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There, we will receive His mercy. And we will find grace to help us when we need it most. So then, here it is. Okay. Take Jesus’s invitation, and come to him with that stuff. And boldly, no less, right, bring it right. You don’t have to say all these and towels. Yeah, say, You know what? Jesus, like, this sucks. I don’t like it. And why did you even make me this way? Yes. Like he’s okay with you saying that, yes,
that’s bold. I love that you make space for that. And I love that kind of knock the crutch of scriptures underneath, to give space to just sit down and listen or have it out. Because he does want our heart. He does want to hurt. So some women asked, like you said, why they even have to have sexual desire, since they’re single. So what do you say to all women feeling this way?
So, um, what I hope that I can do is to just change the perspective, right? You know, God is now looking for robots where you have these switches, you just flip on and off and on and off their situational, right? So hopefully, what I can do is help them have this a whole different view about sex and sexuality. And so when you think about, oh, you know, I’m single, and the Bible says I can’t have sex. And so here I am, I’m a single woman. I have sexual desires and I can’t use them and it’s so wrong. But think about that. That’s really me focused. Right that’s I can’t This is wrong for me. It’s not good for me, it’s, you know, so. But what if you kind of changed the perspective in see this from God’s point of view? Look, he created six. And so he also knows that as he created each one of us, he has also given us the ability to know how to steward our sexual desires, whether you’re married or not. So whether you’re married or not, whether you’re married or not, yes, we have, He has created us and empowered us to be able to know how to steward them. Now, I think sometimes what we might look for is, Well, God, why can’t you just make it so that, like, I’m not even affected by it, like, you’ve empowered me? Then how come I’m affected by it, but I think to do that also takes away from your humanity. Like you’re, you’re not a human being if you’re not a sexual being. And so, are you okay, with understanding that I’m, the creator of sex is a benevolent God, who knows what’s best for you? Even if you fill in all the desires, he knows the power of those desires, when they’re not used in the, in the way in which he designed it. So can you trust them in that? So if you’re going to submit yourself to Christ as a follower of Christ? What does that mean then to submit your whole self to him? And so this is the part where people, you know, sometimes they give me the, you know, sad head look when I go well, yes, yeah. When I say, Okay, do you realize that there’s something about your sexual desire that should connect you to God? And, you know, you get deer in the headlights you get? Wait, what are you talking about? Lady? I think he’s begging blasphemy. But if he created it, then it should connect you to him, right? Yes, we live in this world where there’s stuff coming at us this contrary to that. But if you look at from the beginning, it was always meant to point us and connect us to God. And so what I say is, when you can learn what it means to get your sexual desire, right, this way, okay, then it’s so it’s so helpful. When you start to deal in these
two vertical first circle for your first golfers,
and horizontally I help you govern these relationships. Well, but that and that doesn’t mean you won’t have challenges. It doesn’t mean that, you know, somebody walks by you go, whoa, wait, like, it doesn’t mean that those things won’t happen. Yeah. But what’s important is the response you have. And so I love this quote, by Paul Tripp, he says each pleasurable thing was perfectly created and designed to reflect and point to the greater glory of the One who created it.
If you have something we should be talking about, let us know, send us an email to podcast at regeneration. ministries.org. In the meantime, please be sure to review rate, subscribe, and share back to the show. And so if you’ve done that work of understanding the One who created it, and what that looks like, and what that sounds like and what that feels like, then you’re equipped to step out into the world. You’re not saying anything about numbing, right? About suppressing, right? But stewarding, understanding, connecting, these are all very different words than what a lot of people might understand with sexuality and singleness.
Yeah, I mean, it’s almost like if you think of, if you’re learning how to budget, there are going to be those times where you go, oh, I want that thing. But you remember, wait, I have something bigger that I’m working on. And so I’m going to not take the temptation of splurging there and and continue to work on this greater goal that I have.
What a yes. That’s a greater goal. All right. Yeah. So what does it look like actually to connect our sexual desire to God and then direct it to
him? And that might seem weird to people as well. So I hope I can make this clear so it doesn’t seem weird and crazy. I think for you, first and foremost, you have to say, God, this is what I’m feeling in this moment. I really would love to have sex with this person. I would, maybe it’s even I really want to look at since I can’t have sex with the person, maybe I can look at pornography and I can masturbate. And so you say that to God. So you meet you acknowledge that. But in that acknowledgement, can you also say to him, so in that you want to honor him in this, so it’s like, you know, Lord, gosh, I, you know, if I could, I would call so and so and really just see if we can hook up tonight. But you know what, Lord, like, I really want to honor you. I want to honor you with my body, I want to honor the way you have created me. And so Lord, I need you to meet me here in this moment. God, is there another way that I can express this energy? Maybe, Lord? Can you help me even worship you in this moment? Whatever that might look like for you, whether it’s singing a song, or reading a scripture, or if if there’s some journaling? And just how can you experience the Lord in that moment? And I’m not saying that this is going to be Oh, I do this. And, wow, every time this is gonna be great, I’m not going to ever have this. This is not a magic bullet. Yeah, this is really about how are you going to respond? And how can you continue to practice this, so that when that desire comes up, and you’re feeling sad, because you don’t, you’re not married, and you don’t have someone even, that you can potentially be looking toward marriage for that, that you can start this practice so that your kind of default response is always to do this, as opposed to maybe go down a spiral, and be mad and upset or you go, you start fantasizing and things like that. So now you’ve, you’ve given yourself a different way to steward that.
Gosh, I think that could be used across the board in our lives, because what you just described is so present. So Rich right now, just this honoring of my body and awareness of my body and its wants, and its needs, but also a real transparency with this big guy who wants to know these things with us. That’s a that’s I love that. What great stewardship
looks like. Yeah. And and I think the other beautiful thing is that there’s an exchange that happens between you and God, right? Like, because he’s not going to just let you throw, throw, throw, throw, but he also wants to replace he wants to leave it empty. Yes, he wants to give you more of himself, he wants you to see something about him that maybe you’ve never seen before. And you know what? You may it may mean some nights where you walk in the floor, right? But there’s always daylight. And then you make it to the daylight. And you might go, Whoa, that was a rough night. But I made it to the daylight. And so those are the things and what, what might God do with you just in that, what, what other areas of your life might change? Not just this one, but maybe there’s some other areas that changes because of what you are experiencing? Just Jesus face to face? And and look, I think the other question you always have to ask yourself is, what does it mean for me to be a follower of Christ? Because you know, what, not all of us will be called to marriage. And that might be a hard thing to hear at this moment at this stage of your life, if that’s something you’re really desiring. Um, but what if he doesn’t call you to marriage? And are you willing to come to him with open hands and say, okay, you know what, Lord, I want your best. For me in my life, whatever that looks like. And your best doesn’t always mean that you will have a lifelong partner. And there’s another great quote, there’s a book called rescue plan. And the authors of the book say our identity as people is not dependent upon whether or not we have sex. To be fully human, is not to have sex, but to fully know and love others like Christ, like and what have you, that can be your goal. I’m going to love others, like Christ. Now you you’ve taken so much focus off of yourself, your wants and your needs. And you’re looking to love others.
You’ve set invitation here, you set it up. And there’s a real energy behind your invitation. But I love how honest it is and just like walking the floors, do you. But in exchange for God, what do you have for me? Lord, I want your best for my life, whatever that looks like.
And you sometimes we’re not always okay with that. Yeah. But I think when we know that God has his best for us, like he’s not giving you because you don’t get married, he’s not giving you second, you know, you’re not getting sloppy seconds. He’s he’s trying to guide you into this awesome place that he wants to take you. That will give you more fulfillment than you could ever imagine. If you would just allow him to show you that. Being married is not the end goal. This man. No, it’s not. And unfortunately, in the Christian world, right, that’s been the thing is like, Okay, you Christian, you’re single, you know, Ben, you’re married and have children. And God didn’t call everyone to that? No. Oh,
so what is his best for you? Yeah, yeah.
What is his best?
Is there an invitation beyond what you said to the single women who are listening today? Yeah,
I would say, um, you know, are you willing to have God change your perspective? Because some people don’t want the perspective change. Like, I want what I want. But are you willing to give God that space? To help you have a different perspective about your sexuality in your singleness? And are you willing to tell Jesus like, you know what, Jesus? I love you way more than having my sexual frustration satisfied. I love you more than that. And see what he wants to do in your life and how he’s going to reveal Himself to you through that.
Are you willing, are you willing to change my heart? These are as beautiful as always, there is allowed and generous invitation and anytime I talk to you, so thank you for being here to cover sexuality and singleness. I dare you to listen and to follow through with these, with these ideas with these shifts in your, in your thinking and being aware of your body and all that God wants for you and has for you. It’s good. Thank you, Kyle.