The aftershock of betrayal can feel like a cracking in the landscape of your life. Nothing looks or feels familiar anymore.
How do you move forward? What are next steps?
On this episode of Sacred by Design, we’ll tenderly walk through a framework to help you navigate the next steps.
Infidelity, Cheating, Betrayal: Each of these words carries a lot of hurt and shame. Whether you just found out your husband’s been unfaithful or you found porn on your loved ones phone, you may realize you’re left with more than a broken heart. A Spiritual Coach offers a safe space for you to walk through the devastation of sexual betrayal from discovery to healing.
Because life might feel fuzzy, you’re going to wonder: Did I cause this? Can I cure this? How do I control this?
- Remember, As You Navigate Recovery:
- You can’t Control it.
- You can’t Cure this.
- You didn’t Cause this.
- You can Choose how to Recover from this.
- Praying Through Recovery
Help me to journey beyond the familiar and into the unknown. Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with you. Christ of the mysteries, I trust you to be stronger than each storm within me . I will trust in the darkness and know that my times, even now, are in your hands. Tune my spirit to the music of heaven. And somehow, make my obedience count for you. Amen
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This Show’s Transcription
We are back with more. With more on what to do after you find out that your husband or your boyfriend has been cheating. The last time we discussed betrayal we learned to describe it to experience it. But it feels like an earthquake, right. And so Anna is here to keep the conversation going. Because the feedback that we’ve gotten the the ripple effects from what has gone out already brings us to this place. So what do we do with the aftershock? If you want to keep calling using that language of an earthquake. What do we do with the aftershock?
Well, I am glad to be back to and I’m glad that women and men are finding healthier. So we’re gonna jump right in. So we’re picking up after the D Day, right after the discovery. The earthquake is hit. And you’ve found the porn on your boyfriend’s computer or phone you learned a spouse’s affair. And you’re, you’re basically crushed, and you’re kind of wandering around in despair right after an earthquake, you’re devastated. So you’re going to want to control cure, or feel like you cause this,
those are the three Cs. Okay, so
what we’re gonna talk about today, the three C’s of, of maybe a way you try to get some kind of understanding of what just happened. And what we’re going to talk about today is, you can’t control it. Okay, you can’t cure this. You didn’t cause this. But you can choose how to handle this. And this is going to be in big caps, and how you can choose how to recover from this.
Oh, okay. And we’re not this is a great way to, to address the aftershock. Because like you said, you’ve lost your bearings, you’ve lost your grounding, and you don’t even know what’s coming next. Everything probably feels really fuzzy and really, just out of your hands. So what is the first see that we’re going to talk about?
Well, because it’s so fuzzy, you know, and you’re, you’re going to wonder, you know, did I cause this so we’re going to first jump into is I’m not the cause of this. And it his actions are? Right, like his behaviors that perhaps started even before childhood before you. But now you find yourself caught in his storm. You did not cause the storm he or she did. I need to now assess the wounds from the storm. I need to stop the bleeding, put pressure on a bandage. Go to the ER and figure out getting my brain back online and getting some good help. And remember, you know your husband or you your wife has been discovered. And they may want to minimize it backpedal, deny it. But you have to stay sharp and smart. It’s difficult.
It sounds so much like I mean, it’s his storm, or her storm. But why why do we turn those questions on ourselves? Like what could I have done better? What did I do wrong? That is a really first important step to realize that you are not the cause.
And it’s understandable but you you don’t have any data yet. All you know is the information. And so what we do is sometimes we go inward and we think I caused this, I haven’t done enough I haven’t we blame we blame until our spouse begins to own it and get recovery and admit the whole truth. But at the first get go, we we we go into these three C’s and we want to figure out if we cause this or not. But secondly, it’s really important to know that you can’t control it and you know, this is kind of like stop the bleeding phase. You you will actually be first wanting to find safety and stabilization. And you will want to get some relief from the pain. You’ll start doing research. You will want to go into lockdown mode checking phone records, internet searches asking questions over and over again. These actions are really safety and stabilization. They look like they’re control. But in the first get go before recovery, it’s just finding out, am I safe? What do I know? And you’re really basically wanting to become stable. Yeah. But ultimately, as recoveries kicks in, you will realize that you cannot control your spouse, you can request your spouse to get help to go to a coach, a counselor, get accountability. But what you want to stay away from is falling into controlling the situation. And, of course, getting wanting to get it back to normal, but not controlling their actions, like they have to go get the help, they have to make the call. You have to start your own recovery. And actually, really, only Jesus stops the weather, right? Jesus sometimes calms the storm and comms are heart. But this is your husband or spouses journey, and in a journey with Jesus actually.
But lockdown mode sounds really good, right? It almost sounds inviting when so much is chaotic and broken, to lock yourself down and get all the information you can.
And that’s important, too. Yeah, right. Yeah. And so it’ll look like control. But what it actually is, is finding safety. And so yes, that is important for right, you know, the, you know, the days, the weeks, but if that is if you can’t switch out of that mode, and you stay in control mode, it won’t be good for you guys, you actually cannot control your spouse, they have to get the help, along with finding help in the Lord and in His Word.
It’s true, but it’s hard to hear so hard I yeah, yes. Okay. And so now we’re at the third see,
yes, I can’t cure this, I want to, I want my life to go back to normal. But I can’t cure him or her. Only really Jesus can. Your not part. You’re not the solution. I know his group, or group confession, consistent change and actions. bring about the care, not you. Even the church wants to give advice on this to the cure. And sometimes it’s not the best kind if, if they just want to dismiss it, or minimize it. But their broken heart there. It’s not hard to see somebody who’s broken. That will begin to bring about the cure of broken open heart cure comes through heart change. I remember Jesus asking the man at the side of the pool, do you want to get well? Does your spouse want to bring this into the light, get into recovery. Go get a therapist or counselor or coach and open, crack open their heart.
Okay, and we’ve been through the three C’s, but I feel like these were heavier to here than I was expecting.
They are heavy, and some women or men may actually feel some relief to know mainly that they did not cause this. But they’ll want to get resources and help. They will. But knowing that you can’t control it, or cure it takes the burden off of you and puts it on to your offending spouse and on the Lord. But the third C is the best C and that is choosing that you can choose for yourself recovery. And figuring out what you need and want. You can choose to to get shelter to weather the storm. You can choose what you need, how to respond, where to get help. And mainly the best quote I love is I need you. You can choose the good I can for me, you need them. You might need the motivation from a community to find the strength to do that. But I can choose the good I can for me.
That’s good. That’s really good. You did the three C’s definitely simplifies the aftershock. And the bonus see all of these aren’t meant to minimize the experience. But if anything like I hope that women listening resonate, and like you’re saying, Oh, I
hope so and I hope they know that they can join a group. They can choose to find supportive friends and share with them about what’s been going on. What they have discovered and how crushed they feel that they can choose to that, that day eat, take a walk, exercise, look for beauty, even small glimpses. You can choose boundaries to put up, maybe a in house separation, or out of home separation if they need that. advocating for yourself is not control. It’s a way to feel safe.
That’s really good to hear. So on these podcasts, we really love to end with some sort of spiritual practice, or do you have something that we can wrap up this very tender conversation with?
Yes, I have a prayer. And it’s a prayer from my saint. And it’s very beautiful, very powerful. And I just hope that anybody listening or watching today will hear this prayer and find comfort and solace. So, if you have a second, just a bow, your head or a sit quietly helped me to journey beyond the familiar and into the unknown. Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with you, Christ, of the mysteries. I trust you to be stronger than each storm within me. I will trust in the darkness and know that my times even now are in your hand. tune my spirit to the music of heaven and somehow make my obedience count for you. Amen. Amen. Thank you. Thank you