Deepening Your Connection: Exploring the 6 Sides of Intimacy in Marriage

Andrea
Nakedness, vulnerability, real authenticity, connection. On this episode of Sacred By Design, we’re diving into intimacy issues. As we begin, it is important to know that intimacy is more than sex, absolutely.
Kit
This is so important because we really don’t talk about it, we don’t really unpack it. When I first learned about this, that there’s all these different faces of intimacy, it was so encouraging to me, for myself, for my marriage, because intimacy issues in marriage are very common. We have so many people coming to regen women who are struggling in their marriage. It often has to do with intimacy. When we say that, i don’t just mean sexual intimacy.
Andrea
Some aspect of intimacy. What do we mean by intimacy? This is a great time for everybody to grab a pen and paper as we look at six different aspects. If you didn’t know, here are six different aspects of intimacy. Understand that each area is important and each one is complicated.
Kit
It’s really important, too, to make this point. Each couple will have different strengths and weaknesses. They may vary according to seasons. One couple, a couple, may have maybe really good at having activities and things that they do together. That’s something they don’t have any problem with. They can go out, they can have fun, but they really struggle with the emotional intimacy. In another season of their marriage they may find that it’s flip-flopped. Every couple is going to be unique and even your marriage is going to be unique. You’re going to go in and out of some of these strengths and weaknesses.
Andrea
That’s good to know. Let’s start with emotional intimacy.
Kit
This is a big one. It’s very foundational. We probably think oh, that’s so obvious that emotional intimacy would be important in marriage, but we’d be surprised how sometimes we really don’t intentionally work at that or have it. Emotional intimacy it requires a certain amount of transparency and openness. It involves connecting emotionally and vulnerability. Some of us aren’t very good at that.
Andrea
I’m thinking of a certain partner. What’s a great way to grow an emotional intimacy kit?
Kit
It’s so foundational And we want our marriages to be a place where we have freedom to express our emotions, where we have freedom to receive another person’s emotions. And it’s true, as you know and I know, different people have different levels of comfort with emotional intimacy. Some of us thrive on it, want more of it, and others are like, yeah, okay, we’ve talked about this for five minutes, i’m done. So we need to really understand our partners you know where they are and honor the differences, and that can be hard. We kind of just want to say why aren’t you more like me? Why can’t you do this? But so how do we encourage each other and say let’s figure out a way that this works for both of us? How can I get my emotional needs expressed and heard And how can I honor that? this is hard for you.
Andrea
Yeah, that’s good. I was just thinking for my husband. When I become too much, it’s like a red flag.
Kit
Oh yeah, red flag goes up.
Andrea
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that’s just a hand signal of like I’m emotionally overwhelmed. Same here.
Kit
But my husband just looks at me, like you know, because I can get very intense and it’s hard for him And we’re learning, but we can honor each other, like he can kind of say that’s enough And I can say, can we have a little bit more?
Andrea
and you just work it out And you work it through All right, so physical intimacy.
Kit
Can I give you an example of emotional intimacy that’s really really helpful. It’s such a simple thing, but John and Julie Gottman, who are people I highly recommend their books about marriage talk about how simple steps to build emotional intimacy turn towards one another, turn towards one another. It seems so simple, but one of the most powerful steps in emotional intimacy is when your spouse says something like look at that beautiful bird. You don’t just go, hmm, you say wow, that is beautiful. Somehow you acknowledge that they just said something that means something to them. It’s called bidding, it’s a bid. So these ongoing bids, you know, or someone comes home and they really have really had a hard day and you don’t jump to. You had a hard day, you know. You say, oh, okay, tell me about it.
Andrea
I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m kidding, sorry, everybody.
Kit
So, anyway, it works. It works, it’s a really simple. So turn towards one another and respond to one another, rather than do nothing or turn away.
Andrea
That is so simple, but so I can feel.
Kit
I’m here to tell you that it really works.
Andrea
So yeah, okay, so then, gosh, and there’s five more to go. Physical intimacy, but this is not, is this?
Kit
sex. It’s not sex, okay, and it’s really important to separate the two. apart from sex, having physical intimacy so important And we know this right I mean some of us more than others but the tenderness that can come from holding hands or giving each other a hug or kissing each other Hello or goodbye or you know, any kind of that physical touch, especially for people who have that as a, as a love language. it’s really important And people have different needs there. but it’s good to know what is your spouse’s desire for that, what’s yours, and how do you make that a part of your marriage.
Andrea
Okay, yeah, okay Well, but this can lead to sexual intimacy, and often it does, right, but it doesn’t have to.
Kit
And I think that’s a big thing to remember that physical intimacy does not have to lead to sex. It can just really be holding each other, hugging each other, kissing, and then of course it can. And you know, sexual intimacy is beautiful and it’s very important and it’s very unique for a married couple. I mean, it is a beautiful shared self giving and trust, and it’s not just physical, it’s spiritual, it’s emotional. And this can be challenging for couples, especially those of us, those of people that we know, who come here, who’ve had betrayal. It can be very hard to build that up again, but it’s important. You know you are sharing this exclusive kind of intimacy with just that one person And I, you know I that’s really quite profound. I share this with you and no one else. This is for me and for you, and no one else.
Andrea
I love we’ve said it here before that intimacy can be said as in to me, you see, and that is a type of intimacy, as you’re saying, that we just don’t share with everyone.
Kit
It’s really, you know, a beautiful covenant that we say to each other. I will share this just with you. And again, you know how powerful and profound that is to share something that you don’t share with anyone else. And you know it’s a broken world. We have different sexual appetites. There’s often differences in a marriage between you know appetites, and that’s okay, it’s not bad, it’s not wrong. We just have to be able to talk about it and be honest about it.
Andrea
Oh, that’s a good conversation starter too. A lot of these have. These could be really great kick starters for conversations with your spouse. Yes, absolutely Yeah. So what I love about this is the conversations is all here, but we’re talking about intimacy, and so this leads to our next one of intellectual intimacy.
Kit
Yeah, isn’t that an interesting word?
Andrea
Yeah.
Kit
Interesting concept. I do remember that my husband said this once when we were doing a sharing with some newly or engaged couples about marriage, and he said you know what be interesting? Be interesting. I love that. So there’s this idea of seek out new ideas. If you know your partner’s interested in something, listen to what they say or ask them about it, do it together. Listen to podcasts, read a book. You know both my husband and I love birds. That sounds like an old person thing. I guess it. Maybe it is, but we love reading about birds and sharing with each other. That’s an intellectual intimacy That’s coming together with something that’s interesting, that you can learn about, that you can share about. So it makes marriage more interesting because you each bring something unique. Yes, yeah, oh, that’s so cool.
Andrea
It’s kind of fun. Intellectual intimacy. I love that. Yeah, The next issue involves fun recreational intimacy.
Kit
It really is fun. And you know we really forget that because marriage is hard. If you have children it’s even harder. Children really interfere with marriage. I’ve said that before. It’s so true. I love my children And so there can be a lot of just getting through things and you forget that you can have fun. And so figuring out how you have fun We know a couple who just took up pickleball. They just think it’s a blast or having so much fun hiking, going to museums, going to plays, going to concerts, whatever it is Just find out something that you want to do that you can enjoy together.
Andrea
Okay, i love that you said that, because I know I threw my husband under the bus at the beginning of this. However, the recreational intimacy we both did wake surfing together. Never done it before. We both awful at it. But the willingness to be brave and try something new together. Awesome, i felt so connected. It’s awesome. That was so fun.
Kit
Yeah, really, and you know, yeah, so be brave, be willing to try something different, and it can really be a stress reliever. And you’re going through hard things and you do whether it’s with your children or health or anything they’re, you know, like having fun together really is a stress reliever.
Andrea
Yeah.
Kit
We all need that. Oh, i love that. So let’s move on to spiritual intimacy, because this is again very foundational, And what I want to say is different marriages are in different places about their understanding and commitment to God, and individuals can be in different places, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a spiritual intimacy. So, even if you’re in different places, how do you talk about your commitment to God? how do you explore having a shared exploration or commitment to God and aspects of living a spiritual life together? And so I think it’s really you know, each marriage is unique, and so find your way to share ideas and thoughts about God and to figure out how that’s gonna be a part of your marriage in some way, shape or form.
Andrea
You’re bringing two unique humans together. to make this marriage So unique makes a lot of sense.
Kit
And again, i mean, i really think this is where I wanna just like make a very strong encouragement Uniqueness In all of these things be aware that there’s a great temptation and danger to compare. And your marriage is your marriage And you get to create it And you don’t have to be like anyone else. You don’t wanna be like anyone else. You wanna be true to your marriage And it’s unlike anybody else’s And it’s up to you and your spouse. You get to create it And so enjoy that opportunity and beware of comparing, because that only leads to disappointment. And you know how it is. You see, think on Facebook. It’s a Facebook life, it’s not a real life. And when we compare our real life to Facebook life, we always come become disappointed. So be careful And enjoy and own the beauty of creating your own marriage and don’t compare.
Andrea
Yeah, oh, i’m so glad you ended with that. Yeah, because, gosh, this is great homework to look at the emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual, recreational and spiritual intimacy. And what is your strength? Yeah, what is your weakness? What could?
Kit
be better. Yeah, exactly, you can sit down and have a little date. Yeah Say, i heard this podcast. It was really interesting. What do you think are our strengths And how do we capitalize on that? What are some areas that are maybe challenging for us that we could really work on?
Andrea
Because this exclusive commitment and connection to each other is holy, it is sacred and it is hard.
Kit
Exactly, and it’s a gift And we want to nurture it. It’s not just going to stay healthy on its own, it has to be nurtured and taken care of.
Andrea
These are six beautiful ways to approach it. Thank you so much, kit.