Wired for Friendship


Friendship is fun and discouraging and vulnerable and wonderful and hard.

Part of your sacred design is a calling for friendship.

You are hard-wired for connection.

So, we’re devoting this time to both acknowledge the difficulty in friendship and explore the fullness it holds.

Friendship offers a type of love that comes alongside you. We hope you hear and see enthusiasm and encouragement in this episode just for you.


A simple question, whatever season we’re in, is where is God calling you to be more known? Look around and notice where God is calling you to be more known.

Steps towards Friendship:

Pray for God to surround you with good friends
Take inventory of yourself – what do you like?
Stay Positive
Be Encouraged

Questions for Meaningful Conversation:

-Where are you finding rest right now?
-What’s making you feel alive lately?
-What’s saving your life right now?
-What sounds fun to you?

God gives us this picture within Himself – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – of community. God within himself embodies community. And we are made out of His love for connection, we are designed for friendship with God. He’s instilled that in us.

“Triune God, you are as deep a mystery as the sea, in whom the more I seek, the more I find; and the more I find, the more I seek. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit with the light of understanding I have tasted and seen the depths of your mystery and the beauty of your creation. In seeing myself in you, I have seen that I will become like you. O eternal Father, from your power and your wisdom clearly you have given to me a share of that wisdom which belongs to your Only-begotten Son. And truly has the Holy Spirit, who proceeds from you, Father and Son, given to me the desire to love you.” – Catherine of Siena

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This Episode’s Transcription

Andrea 0:00
Okay, so this is just the start. This is the start of this episode, because we’re both trying to stay contained in our seats and in our bodies and in our smiles, because we’re talking about

Rebecca 0:12
friendship and friendship, because the last time you’re here, we

Andrea 0:16
talked about loneliness. And then camera shuts down. And the conversation shifts from loneliness, to friendship. So let’s talk about friendship. So we’re back. Yeah, I’m

Rebecca 0:29
pumped. I think about think about when you were a kid, and you just like met somebody at the pool, and they like cut apples the same way you did. And you were like, Oh, now we’re friends.

Andrea 0:39
It was that simple.

Rebecca 0:42
Right? Yeah. And it doesn’t feel that way. As we get older, it does. It does. It gets more complicated. Why?

Unknown Speaker 0:50
Why did we do that? I

Rebecca 0:51
use that.

Andrea 0:52
But there’s a reason

Rebecca 0:54
we’ve been hurt. Yes, we are. Busy. To do max,

Andrea 1:02
we’ve been rejected. Yeah. Because that’s that kind of sting stays with you a long time. And at five years old, you haven’t really had too much opportunity maybe to be rejected. So similarly cut apples, or same color, t shirt, just warrants friendship, we’re

Rebecca 1:19
friends. Yes. It’s a given. It’s so great. So sweet. And, and we’re wired for this right? No matter what stage of life for it. And when there were little kids were adults, were in a family, or single, older, whatever stage of life we’re in friends are these people that journey along with us, and they’re the ones alongside us for that, and, and we need them,

Andrea 1:44
we do need them. I like that we’re hardwired for connection, because that means that it’s, it’s good. It’s on purpose. God designed us that way for connection, and that it’s necessary. It’s good, and it’s necessary. So for adults, who have been rejected, who have experienced pain, who might consider, you know, we’ve got to just we have to talk about COVID. Because COVID Really sifted out a lot of character traits. It really set the introverts in one way. And you know, ambiverts became a thing and extroverts and other way. And it was interesting for me as a human being, as an Andrea, to see what parts of me really enjoyed pulling back. And what parts of me ached to be out there again. So I think that COVID really kind of almost leveled the playing field sort of, not level did a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff, but with regards to friendship really maybe highlighted for all of us. what our needs are, what we what we’re really good at, and what we could really do better at how do we when we feel that sense of loneliness, how do we start looking for friends?

Rebecca 3:07
Yeah, I think a simple question. Whatever season we’re in is, where’s God calling you to be more known? We talked about that song with loneliness. But in terms of friendship, were looking around where’s God calling you to be more known. And maybe you’re in a season where you are feeling some of that loneliness that you’re looking for, for deeper friendships or just new friendships. And that’s scary. There’s there’s a there’s risk in that because it probably is going to mean doing something new. Which is scary putting that phrase putting yourself out there, but it is of trying something new. You’re looking around you’re saying I’m not I don’t have the friends that I really want. So is that joining a group or an activity putting yourself around other people who are new to meet

Andrea 4:04
so taking inventory of yourself? Is a great first start. What do you like? You like bonfires? Yeah, I like bonfires. Well, you know, what do you like walking? What do you like? You know, being more aggressive and playing something you know, like tennis and really whacking at something? What is it that you really like is a really great first step taking inventory of yourself to then reach out to join a group because you have something in common once you’ve joined that group, you know, from the get go you’ve already got something in common have

Rebecca 4:39
something that’s great, right? Right. It can be done through friends to like asking if you know a friend who knows people, like cool people know cool people. I love I love having a party and inviting people over and seeing them meet each other and be like, you’re cool, and you’re also cool. It was great. But um And sometimes that happens naturally, sometimes it takes a bit of a risk of of, of intentionality. So even taking that risk of asking a friend, hey, can you invite me to something with, with some of your friends or to so that I can meet some new people to be in some in some different circles. I did that recently with a with a book club. I was like this person, I’m going to, I’m going to ask them if they know of something going on. And, and I was like, geared up my courage. Actually, God gave this as a gift because a friend already was like, Hey, this is really random, but I’m doing like a short book club. Do you want to join? And I was just like, Yes, I’m excited about that. already. I just didn’t know it. That’s true that I was like, I like this person. And then they know other people, we can we can share around some, some similar interests or values.

Andrea 5:57
I love that. That was a prayer on your heart, that friendship can be a prayer on your heart, and should be, you want to surround yourself with people who will encourage you challenge you inspire you. And that is a beautiful prayer to offer to God, hey, I really need somebody to, to challenge me with truth to make me laugh to, you know, join me cooking in the kitchen, whatever it is, there’s so many great, that’s, I just believe that’s a great prayer, I love that you did that.

Rebecca 6:28
Another one you brought up just the season, being in COVID, that easily, we could lose touch with friends. And that can happen at different stages in life. Definitely, you know, when somebody gets married or has a baby or moves away, or goes to school, somewhere that in these different seasons, we might lose touch with somebody. So in that idea of taking stock, I wish some people who you really liked you enjoyed and, and trying to reconnect with them. And with all of these, I want to say we’re tossing some ideas out there, you’re gonna toss some things out there. And some are gonna work and some are not. So stay positive, be encouraged. Put some put some feelers out there. And if you don’t get a ton of return, like, keep with it, because we are we’re wired for this. And, but we won’t always there’s not one way that we’ll get. Now we have our best friend forever. From this one thing that we did. So stay positive.

Andrea 7:39
Something we both love his cake. Okay. Well, one thing that I’ve learned and how to communicate with others, which could be a great way in treading through the waters of making new friendships is when you talk to people think of it as a three layer cake. And so the first layer is, hey, how you doing? I see you’re out here on the tennis court. I love tennis. This is great. Or the second layer might be how long have you been playing? Where do you get your racket? Oh, tell me more about, you know who introduced there’s more of a story. And then third layer is deeper, right? So when you know for yourself where you’re comfortable. And when you’re going into a new situation, maybe starting with that first layer of cake, or even just the icing. Hey, how you doing? It’s so simple. And then taking it from there and letting it progress naturally. And I’m sorry to just jump right in. Because you said this is Rebecca and Andrea, everybody this is just we get excited. And we start talking and especially about friendship, like we get excited. You have said the word season a lot of times, and I feel like season is really important to hold on to when when you are praying for a friendship or circle of friends. Because seasons change, friendships change. And that is not an easy truth to hold on to. And that’s a whole nother conversation. But it’s something to be aware of anything,

Rebecca 9:14
yeah, that there is there can be there. There can be some feelings of loss in that. And some beauty with friendship that we we have people who are a part of our lives at different points who know us in different ways who can who can rough, flecked back to us in different ways who can sharpen us in different ways. And that that there there is some bitter sweetness in that about friendships that that means when they when they end or when they fall off. That can be really painful. And there’s some beauty in it too, that there are people who are with us at different times along the way and can know us in different ways and vice versa. As for them

Andrea 10:04
I think about your story of friends meeting each other, and your circles bumping into each other and seeing how they overlap and how they don’t. And yet, friends are such a beautiful reflection of what you have what you want. And it’s so what a gift to see that and the people around you. Hello, my friend.

Rebecca 10:26
Love it. Love it. So we talked about looking for maybe new friends and feeling that perhaps being in a season more of loneliness, maybe people are feeling full already. I don’t have more slots on my dance card. Like I have, I have people in my life, I’m plugged into community. But there is still a longing there for deeper connection to be more known. That might not come through somebody new, but from the people who are there. I love your example of the cake. And how do we go deeper with them? With people who are already in our lives? And you gave a great example right there of how do we take real easy the surface level conversations where we want to start to go a little bit deeper. And asking interesting questions is one way that I try to challenge myself to do but even that I will admit feels a little bit a little bit vulnerable. It’s really easy just to be like, Hey, how’s your day going? What’s new? And to stay? There are two questions I’ve been trying to ask lately and asking myself too, because sometimes it means sharing a little bit from yourself to encourage some of that depth is what are you finding? Where are you finding rest right now? Or what’s making you feel alive lately? Those are just simple ones. But trying to ask that to just spark something a little bit different a little bit deeper? Yeah. Do you have any tips like that?

Andrea 12:04
Well, there’s that Barbara brown Taylor question. And it’s not her question. But she’s quoted for saying it what’s saving your life right now? Wow. That’s three questions. I’ve always been that way. And I and I love that and I can hang there really well. But what saving your life can be something like a tennis match can be something like, oh my gosh, I just need coffee with a face in front of me. You know, and I need I don’t know gardening, CrossFit, whatever it is, what’s saving your life right now? What’s getting you fired up? Feeling now and feeling seen all that? It is a deep question, but it can be answered in or any downs as what sounds fun to you like that? I mean for you. I like that. But that’s a fun. That’s I love that question too.

Rebecca 13:03
We’ve talked about friends being along the journey with us. And sometimes in more of a literal sense. I think, if you’re already doing something, if you’re feeling awful, if life is really busy, and you’re already doing something, inviting somebody along with you to do that, like if I, I want to take a walk already. It’s a nice day. And I want to get outside get a little bit of exercise, can I invite a friend to do that with me? Or I’ve done this a few times, a two person book club. Okay, we’re not starting a new club, I’m not joining something new. And I did just say that I joined a book club. It’s limited, limited how long it is. But I’m saying I really want to read this book, who would be a friend who would also be interested in that, and let’s read it together and then get together and talk about it. That’s awesome. That’s just a two person. Or another one I’ve done. And in COVID was missing a lot of that more meaningful conversation with people, but also was pretty spent on small talk. And so very inconsistently, had a small couple of friends who I would call just kind of popcorn call and say hey, do you want to pray and examine together takes about maybe 10 minutes, but that we could do a podcast about that. It’s a lovely, lovely practice of kind of going through your day in prayer. And so it takes about 10 minutes and we we would go through it together not really talk, maybe share a few things at the end and then hang up there wasn’t there wasn’t small talk. We didn’t like have a longer conversation. It was just let’s join together for over the phone. It was something a little bit deeper, but it didn’t. I could be with somebody that it didn’t it didn’t require a lot for me and that was helpful.

Andrea 15:01
I love that. And that satisfies that longing. That’s really good inventory. That’s very good. Yeah, that’s that all go, I’ll go first feeling is hard. I’m not the initiator, I, but I know that about myself with my inventory. And so when I have make new friends, I let them know, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, I just don’t make plans. But if you make plans, I will bring the food I will cheer you on, I will send out the event, whatever it is, I’ll help facilitate it, but I’m just not really good at initiating. So that is really good inventory for myself and how to communicate with my friends and potential friends. But that I’ll go first feeling we lose that as a little kid, like a little kid can do that. And that vulnerability and making new friendships. Because if you can’t hear the smiles on our faces as we talk about these friendships, they are so valuable and worthy. Right? It’s worth it. It’s worth the risk.

Rebecca 16:06
Yeah, yeah. That’s so good. That’s what I’m trying to work on more lately is saying yes to people when they offer something, or if someone offers help, and that’s a way of building connection to that. Yeah, it’s our I feel like our gut instinct, maybe as women is to is to help others, but also when people offer to help us be like, no, no, I got it. No problem. And instead of being like, yes, yes, you can come a little bit early. And that’s so great. Yes, you can, could you water my plants. When I’m on vacation, or asking for advice about something we it’s in us that we’re wired for this connection, but it’s in us to we we like to give we feel closer to others. So saying yes to that if people offer or in a small way to build a bit of a bridge with people. But yeah, we hope with all of this, that, that there’s some encouragement in it, there’s a beauty in friendship. Friendship is a type of love. CS Lewis talks about it as one of one of the great loves, which I think is so beautiful. So if you’re discouraged about this, take heart, we hope stay stay positive. Throw out a bunch of different ways of doing this. That’s okay. There are different types of friends, different types of connecting with people. But that it comes back to this root that friendship is a type of of love. And that by showing friendship, love to each other, we’re reflecting God’s heart who loves community, and has built us with that kind of love with with him. And with each other to see I’m using my hands a lot, oh man.

Andrea 18:05
And all the things all the tools, whether it’s the word season, taking inventory, layered cake conversations, the risk of accepting help or going first, these are, there’s so many ways, and you’re taking stock of the people in your life and seeing what you love to do. It’s also valuable and worth it. So we need to wrap up this conversation because we need to continue being friends with the rest of our day. But is there a way that we can wrap up this beautiful conversation and joy that we’re feeling about friendship and the to inspire some hope and prayers for great friends for our listeners?

Rebecca 18:49
Yeah, I think we want to encourage people, we threw out a bunch of ideas here today. But pick one, maybe two. But one small way you want to try to make a deeper connection this week, whether that’s with a new person, or with somebody who’s in your circles already. And we want to end with a prayer today we’ve talked a lot about friendship, a lot about other people, okay, and with a prayer talking about the Trinity, because God gives us this picture within himself. Father, Son and Holy Spirit of Community, that God within himself embodies community and that we are made out of his love for connection. We are designed for friendship with God, that he’s instilled that in us. So we’re gonna end with this prayer talking from Catherine of Siena, about the Trinity to remind us that as we’re as we’re doing this, this fun and discouraging and joyful and heartbreaking thing called friendship. We are And in not so small of a way, reenacting God’s triune community nature and that’s, that’s a beautiful thing. So, let’s pray. Triune God, you are as deep and mystery as the sea, and whom the more I see, the more I find. And the more I find The More I Seek, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, with the light of understanding I have tasted and seeing the depths of your mystery, and the beauty of your creation, and seeing myself in you, I have seen that I will become like you owe Eternal Father from your power and your wisdom. Clearly you have given to me a share of that wisdom, which belongs to your only begotten Son and truly has the Holy Spirit who proceeds from the Father and Son given to me the desire to love you

Thanks For Reading.

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