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Rethinking “THE” Talk

“The talk.” These two small words hold big power!

If you’ve been putting off having the sex talk with your kids because it feels overwhelming; we’re easing the load things up for you.

What if you could break apart the rehearsed, rushed monologue into a sprinkling of smaller question & answer sessions?

If you just felt your shoulders relax, you’re in the right place.

On this episode of “Sacred by Design,” Rebecca and Andrea set out new ways to talk about sex, sexuality, our bodies and more minus the limitations of one loaded lecture.

Highlights:

We want to be some of the first people in our kids’ lives to talk to them about things starting with where they’re at, even at a young age.

You can always come back to it. If you say something and then you think more about it, or you want to say more, clarify more; you can always come back to that conversation with your kid. Take the pressure off yourself there too. That it’s not a “one shot & you’re done” deal. Thankfully. You can come back and add more and continue having rich conversations.

We want to encourage you to slow it down, take a breath. If your kid just asked you a question, that’s already a win that they’re coming to you with the question. That’s so good. That is such a gift.

Help the show

This Episode’s Transcription

Andrea  0:02  
Okay, question for the audience right off the bat is, have you had the talk with your son or daughter? And what do you remember about the talk? As a child yourself? I feel like if we could interject that Dun, dun dun. The talk the sex talk is terrifying is necessary is I feel like boxed into one of two different things. Rebecca, it’s either like no, or go, you know, it’s just one of one of the other. But just as we were getting ready to talk about this, like the idea of a buffet. When you’re thinking about the sex talk, let’s unpack that. Where do we start? Where do we begin with the sex talk? What? What are we going to walk away with today?

Rebecca  1:06  
Oh, does it feel like already, like your shoulders tend to?

Andrea  1:10  
Maybe Maybe, yes,

Rebecca  1:11  
it feels just that just even calling it the sex talk feels like so much pressure.

Andrea  1:17  
We do it.

Rebecca  1:18  
We care about it. It’s really important. It’s daunting. And we think oh, my gosh, this is my one shot to do this. And that. I think, mostly, we’re gonna talk about a lot of things today. But most of you want to dispel with that and say, Don’t Don’t put so much pressure on that one spotlighted talk. But yeah, let’s make it. Let’s make it a mini series of talks.

Andrea  1:40  
Alright, so now I think everybody collective release, it is okay, we are going to be okay, because it is not, I think that is huge. Like, just accept that step one, it does not need to be one talk. It can be a whole bunch of little talks, and great opportunities. So what are some opportunities or ways that we can seize those opportunities? What do you suggest?

Rebecca  2:04  
I think, and let’s say to that, sometimes just making it one talk, it has the pressure on it, but it’s also let’s rip the band aid off kind of let’s just get it over and done with Yeah, so doing a series of smaller talks as they come up as your kid is growing, changing, that that has its own bit of daunting feeling as well, because your kid is growing and changing. And as they do, you’re introducing more and talking more.

Andrea  2:33  
So. So

Rebecca  2:37  
two things with that is, is just noting developmentally where your kid is, as when they’re really young, whether that’s Nate starting just by naming body parts, and then certainly as they get older, and, and getting into more specifics, but wanting to meet them where they’re at, and to proactively meet them where they’re at. Because they are going to have questions and curiosities. And they’re going to hear things from other places, whether that’s places you want them to hear things from or not. But we want to be some of the first people in our kids lives to talk to them about these things starting really starting with where they’re at, even at really a young age.

Andrea  3:22  
So instead of a well crafted 20 minute spiel, this is a really natural question and answer session, right? That comes up so developmentally so for an eight or nine year old or even younger, just body parts with accurate names like that. It’s so important. It’s really important.

Rebecca  3:46  
Yeah, how we talk about these things shows the value shows what we care about. And that’s that’s hard work for us. When if we’re feeling unnerved or uncomfortable or unsure about ourselves, just starting there, to study ourselves so that we can talk to our kids about it. But But yeah, just naming, naming body parts just like other body parts, not making them something separate or something we you know, hush hush, we don’t talk about but, but giving giving them language to be able to talk just like they would talk about their elbow or their ear.

Andrea  4:28  
And in that tone is so important because when it’s not a practice makes perfect situation. But practice makes present where you’re there with them. And you’re awkward with them maybe at times or you’re questioning with them, but that idea that side by side to grow and change together and acknowledge those changes together. How that’s pretty powerful, especially especially with your sexuality.

Rebecca  4:55  
Yeah, I think and that you can always come back Do it if you say something and then you think more about it or you want to say more, clarify more, you can always come back to that conversation with your kid. And so taking the pressure off yourself there, too. It’s not a one shot, and then you’re done, thankfully, because you can come back and add more and, and continue having rich conversations

Andrea  5:21  
rich conversations not is where dictionary a word production airy. You know where I’m going. Right? So the idea just that, yeah, that if, if we’re reducing it to one conversation, then we’re shutting the door to more questions, or shutting the door to any more ideas or exploration. And as we’re growing, there’s so much changing, there’s so much shifting, and it just narrows down our sexuality. I mean, the title of this podcast is sacred by design. That’s not a that’s not a one and done deal. That’s worth exploring. That’s worth asking. Pushing back, and I heard this on the bus. Can you tell me more about that? Yeah, sure. Let’s go for it. And I love the idea that, you know, we can go back to it, we can circle back to it. A lot of flexibility.

Rebecca  6:19  
Yeah, we really want to invite their questions as much as you inevitably you’re gonna get one when you’re not prepared for it. When you’re like in the middle of something. You know, your mind is totally somewhere else. And then like the the record scratch, like, oh, okay, here comes this question. So, we want to encourage you to slow it down and take a breath yourself. And just notice that if your kid just asked you a question already, that’s a big win that they’re coming to you. Yeah, with a question? Yes, it is good. That’s such a gift. So just full stop your kid ask you a question. That’s, that’s a huge win. Yeah. So well done. Yeah. Parents, well done, mentor, to this kid, whoever you are, but to recognize that being a big win, and, and slow it down, study yourself, right? Remember, you can always come back to it. I like to like to ask a lot to start answering a question with another question. Okay. So if your kid asks you a question, just say, oh, yeah, like, tell me what, tell me more what you mean about that? Or I guess that’s not technically a question, is it?

Andrea  7:35  
We’re making our own rules about that.

Rebecca  7:39  
That gives you just a little bit of pause a little bit of like, okay, let me collect myself. Let me take a breath. And it also helps to clarify what the kid is really asking

Andrea  7:48  
there. Yes, yes. Very good. Because easily

Rebecca  7:51  
in your adult brain, you go, you connect those dots, you know, seven steps ahead. And we’ll start answering that question, but asking, and, again, kind of thinking, Where where is your kid that asking them? What do they know about that? Or what? What did they think about that? First, just to get a sense for what are they really asking for? And easily, it might not be where you think that they’re going at all? And then you can answer their question that they’re bringing to you right? That

Andrea  8:20  
that’s important. Yes. And we’re laughing because we know, like you said, our brain just jumps ahead, too. And we have to backpedal just a moment and take a breath. Yes. So slowing it down is really good. You know, one of the things that I really have found to be effective is location, location, have a conversation like this is, and it typically comes up not when we’re face to face making direct eye contact. But oh my gosh, in the car. Yeah, the car is magical. The car is I almost get sad, or I do get sad when the kids are old enough to drive on their own because I lose that opportunity to be side by side. And have these kind of conversations come up.

Rebecca  9:04  
Yeah, yeah. I think of it like the triangle effect a little bit where it’s you you’ve got two points, but you’re kind of focused on something else. Yeah. Driving or cooking together or going on a walk or, or where it takes a little bit of that pressure off. To be able to talk about things but yeah, not not quite the intensity of the of the face to face of the face to face, especially for teens that feels that feels a little more comfortable.

Andrea  9:28  
If you have something we should be talking about, let us know. Send us an email to podcast at regeneration ministries.org. In the meantime, please be sure to review rate subscribe and share. Back to the show. We were just making an ice cream cake. And I think that it’s a no bake ice cream cake super simple so there’s not a lot of thought that goes into it. But sneaky mom move is hey, you’re right beside me. And we’re you’re like you’re saying that triangle. We’re focused on this cake but all of a sudden the garden is down. And you know what I just heard or you know what just came up? And then we can both just kind of it takes the pressure off of me also, to be very honest, yeah, to not have to look at my baby. Think you’re facing hard things or you’re, you’re asking a really big question. And I don’t want to blow it. But we can ask questions side by side. That’s good. I like location was good. The we have already had a conversation about purity culture. And I think that there is still a message of the sex talk should be abstinence only, especially from church goers. But that is also very limiting. That is also very limiting. When, I mean, you spoke so beautifully about the gift of our sexuality, and how if we just tighten it down through a word like abstinence, it attaches more shame to it, instead of an opportunity to ask and learn more.

Rebecca  11:06  
Yeah, yeah, talking about really the wholeness and goodness, of God’s beautiful design for us, for or both sex and marriage, as well as just intrinsically and who we are in our bodies and how we’re made. And being able to speak to that, to the fullness of that goodness, and not just about not just limiting it to what we say no to or what some of the, some of the things that we’re scared of. And it does, it speaks to here we are talking to kids about this, but how much are we needing to talk to ourselves to, to recognize for us the goodness and fullness and beauty of our sexuality of our intrinsic selves and how God made us in our bodies. And, and truly how we talk about these things matters, that if we are talking from a place of fear and shame, that we will communicate with fear and shame. So before before we’re even approaching our kids are trying to go into these conversations, can we can we give ourselves a little bit of a talk or talk with our, you know, our sisters talk with our spouse, about some of these things to be able to, to come more from a place of, of love and honoring. As we’re talking about talking about the fullness where there’s goodness, there’s scary things to

Andrea  12:57  
think words like longing and desire for, to hear those kinds of words come out of our children’s mouths, is can feel jarring. However, just like you’re saying, just to be able to take a breath and recognize how beautiful and intrinsic those things are to them, that God gave them longings and desires. And so if we can shift our tone, take the pressure off of both of us and be able to communicate a sense of wonder and ownership, pride. Frustration, all of the things good and bad, but with a sense of real awareness that my body feels this way. My heart feels this way. I feel like the smaller conversations present a more whole picture. Or at least provide opportunity for a more whole connection between heart mind body.

Rebecca  14:13  
Yeah, I like how you’re talking about the bigger picture there. And even in kind of the more specific language knowing that our kids we want to talk about sex and marriage, but our kids might stay single as well. They might they might not be married. We’ve been using that and our language like if if you get married instead of when and and that’s so subtle, but what that communicates to our kids to like you’re saying talk kind of talk more about the the fullness and the goodness that they have that that’s not that that impacts their sexuality. It impacts their future discernments but it’s not limited to just this one place and Life either.

Andrea  15:00  
There’s no end goal. It’s just the step by step by step awareness of who you are. Then the questions that might get missed and one talk about the mechanics of sex, or issues that I mean, we can’t even go into all of them. But porn dating? Do I even I don’t even know that I’m attracted to anybody yet, you know, all these questions and doubts that would be missed if we, if we consolidated everything about sex to one conversation. So we don’t want to miss those. Yeah, but we can’t do that all here right now,

Rebecca  15:45  
guys, more podcast.

Andrea  15:48  
We have a lot more.

Rebecca  15:50  
I keep coming back to which we’ve kind of already said, but to slow it down. When you’re talking with your kid, you can always come back to it. And then as much as you are role modeling that or your kid by by slowing it down, coming back to it. Using using your words, meaningfully, that I’ve also doing that with ourselves, that when when we start to write when we started today, and shoulders went up, oh gosh, here we go. I feel so much pressure to do this, but for ourselves to slow it down to to talk to ourselves with with this fullness of God’s goodness for us in mind, to to honor our bodies and our sexuality, D our sacred design that He’s given us. So if if this is feeling like a lot, you’re feeling like I really want to do this, well, can you start there? Can you can you talk with yourself about it maybe in prayer or with somebody trusted? Certainly we have spiritual coaches here that love going into these deep waters with folks to be able to talk about it because it’s often something that we we don’t get to talk about a whole lot. I don’t I don’t know how many women I’ve met with that said I didn’t get a talk, or it was just like a quick talk and it wasn’t. And many years later, looking back trying to trying to rework some of this. So there’s we’re instilling good things in our kids trying to and we’re doing that for ourselves to in some areas maybe where we didn’t get it or even if we did continuing to come back to that fullness of goodness thing that God has for us and has instilled in us.



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