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Your Voice in the Bedroom

Maybe this is Step One for you today. Maybe even just listening to us talk about desire, pleasure, wanting is your first step towards sexual wholeness.

We pray it is.

Join us as we explore more of our sacred design through the lens of desire. Let’s focus the lens a bit more on what Low Desire is, what it feels like, and how to understand it.

Please be aware that you may want to protect little ones ears as well as your listening space for the content we’ll cover today.


Highlights:

You may feel ambivalent about your wants and desires. You are not alone. Many of us have turned off our “wanter” because our needs as a child were not met, were not recognized. And so you may have trouble naming or feeling a desire.

“Many of us have a truckload of unmet desires in the basement of our heart.” Jay Stringer

We may dismiss desire by saying, “I don’t have it. I don’t have it like he does or she does. Will I ever be desired? Am I desirable? I didn’t get affection at home. Vulnerability wasn’t accepted. I don’t want to want.” These are truthful statements to say and then pray through.

Be compassionate to yourself. There is a story that connects desire, lack of desire, too much desire. It’s ok to pause and take a look and connect some of the dots in your life.

Arousal cycles: Know your cycle, be patient with yourself.

Give yourself permission to talk about sex, pleasure, desire.

When desire feels “low” to you, consider getting back to basics: How are you taking care of your body? How are you talking to it? How are you feeling? Are you being harsh or condemning?

Our bodies are complex. As we come to understand our bodies, we try not to shame our bodies.

“I deserve as much sexual pleasure as I can have and I’m worth the time it takes. I might need a back rub or I might just need to take a break but I can ask for this. I matter.” Charity of Restored2More

Homework: Some Questions to Consider

What do you like?
What do you want?
What do you wish could be different?
Do you know what you like?
Can sex be a more comfortable conversation for us? That’s our hope
Deeply courageous conversations may feel awkward and uncomfortable
What are your feelings about desire?
What is your relationship with desire?
Does the word Desire spark a feeling in you?
If so, can you name it?

Links:

Jay Stringer

Dr. Jennifer Degler 

WHAT WOMEN WISH MEN KNEW ABOUT WOMEN’S SEXUALITY

WHAT WOMEN WISH WOMEN KNEW ABOUT WOMEN’S SEXUALITY

Restored 2 More

Help the show:

This Episode’s Transcription

Andrea 0:00
When it comes to sex, what do you like? What do you want? What do you wish could be different? Do you know what you like? We are going there today.

Anne 0:15
Yes, we are.

Andrea 0:16
We are going there today. Desire is a powerful component of your sexuality. And while the idea of wanting might make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, please stay with us. Please stay with us. Because especially if you’re suffering with low desire, if you don’t even know what low desire is, this is your episode.

Anne 0:39
Yes. And we are going there. Yeah, we’ve got each other here. Yes. And just just women out there just know, this topic will lead to some content that may not be appropriate for little ears. So take precautions, and protect those little ears and your listening space. But let’s get started. I do believe that asking questions makes a way for others to ask questions. And so Andrew, Andre, and I got you covered today.

Andrea 1:16
We’ve got all the questions. We don’t have all the answers.

Anne 1:18
Do we have a conversation today? Yes.

Andrea 1:21
I feel like another question to start this episode is can sex be a more comfortable conversation? For us women? For a for us women? Can it be a more comfortable conversation?

Anne 1:34
I hope so. Me too. And that’s why we’re having this today. Deeply courageous conversations may feel foolish and awkward. And we aren’t we could we could be uncomfortable about this topic. Not everybody is but we could be. And we’re complex, beautiful beings, that desire to be known.

Andrea 1:59
And we can push past this discomfort to be better known, and we deserve it. So we’re exploring more of our design, through the lens of desire. And we’ve talked about desire here before, and it will come up again. But today, we’re talking specifically about low desire, low desire, I mean, in and of itself is broad enough for us to do an entire series on. But for now, we’ll cover a few main points, maybe define it. And let’s help us understand why this is important that we’re talking about

Anne 2:32
it. Yes. And also, it, there’s high desire conversations. There’s so much more packed into this, but this is what we’re going to talk about today. So stay tuned. You know, I think we’ve got to be able to talk about this. And why not? With regeneration? Why not with this women’s podcast like this is this is what we do. This is what matters. And so if we can’t talk about it here, we’re, we’re not offering all have what we believe about good sexuality. And we really hope that each person is very blessed today.

Andrea 3:08
Oh, yeah, I feel like this is this will be such an example of our heart, where it can be awkward. It can be uncomfortable, it can be deep. And all for the purpose of finding the good, the good in it, because there’s a lot. So this is a great episode to grab a pen and paper because we started with questions. We’re going to be sprinkling with questions and end with even more questions. But please be kind to yourself when considering these questions, and be honest with yourself, and take some time to answer them. So one, what are your feelings about desire? What is your relationship with desire? That could be a whole bunch of podcasts? And does the word desire spark a feeling in you? And if so, can you name it?

Anne 3:59
Yes, and let’s just even pause right there. You may even feel ambivalent about your wants and desires. You are not alone. Many of us myself, I’ve turned off our wanter because our needs are happy as a young child. We’re not met. We’re not consistently met, we’re not recognized. And so you may have trouble naming or feeling a desire that it’s okay. And Jay stringer says, and I love this quote, men, I’m going to read it. I don’t want to miss one word. Many of us have a truckload of unmet desires in the basement of our heart. And so, maybe we have shut down our wanter and we don’t let ourselves have sexual desire for our partner or ourselves. And, you know, you may just dismiss it. I don’t Have it. I don’t have it like he does like she does. Even while I ever be desired, am I desirable? I didn’t get affection at home. I’m not used to it. Vulnerability wasn’t accepted. I don’t want to want. And this may be more truthful to say,

Andrea 5:25
Wow, those, Wow, talk about a truckload? That’s a lot, you said. And that speaks so much more to another topic that we explore with clients and with ourselves is just the idea of story. And so there’s a story connected to desire. And understanding that story will really help you find your wanter again, maybe, do you think

Anne 5:56
I definitely do and being compassionate to yourself, there is a story that connects desire, lack of desire, too much desire, it’s, it’s okay to pause and take a look and connect some of the dots in your life.

Andrea 6:13
Have you? Have you been able to connect the dots in your own life with your, with your story and desire? Have you done some of that work?

Anne 6:22
I have done that work. And I’m thankful for it. But I started off newly married with a lot of questions. And if my friends talked about sex, it’s because it was going well. And I felt silent there because it wasn’t going as well as expected as I thought it would. And I felt very alone. And I didn’t really have one person to talk to, I was embarrassed about it. And I thought it would go much better than I thought and would be easier and less painful. And so I just kept, why because the conversations were all about how good it was. And if it will, no one’s talking about it being difficult, I must be broken, or I must have something wrong with me until I went to see a counselor at my church. And this was very early on and being married. And she got me and she just listened. And she really told me I was not alone, that a lot of women struggle with this. And I was heard. And my story was low desire or so I thought, of course it was packed with so much more. But that’s how it was being manifested in you know, my body was manifesting itself with low desire but, but probing looking reading, being honest and curious made a huge difference. And I began to offer myself and you mentioned it today a new form of kindness, not I’m broken, something’s wrong with me. But kindness. And I realize we must become the people we seek. So tune, you know tuned into unmet needs, longings, and being able to receive was a big journey of mine noticing where there was unmet needs in my early life experience. And to not travel alone. And that is why I didn’t want to I wanted desperately to do this podcast. And many years ago, I wanted to do this because I don’t want women to feel that they have to be silent and feel like something’s wrong with them.

Andrea 8:47
Well, yeah, if questions are the beginning of a conversation, I feel like what you just did with sharing your story is you set up an environment, even for listeners right now to kind of relax into, oh, maybe this is me and to some consideration of their own. Right. So thank you for that. Your vulnerability is key into shifting your perspective from something’s broken, something’s wrong with me to okay, what’s up? What’s really going on?

Anne 9:23
And then when you begin to open that up to a trusted person, they say, oh, women have different arousal cycles. Women have different Blank, blank blank, and it was like, wow, how come no one ever told me this? Yeah. So yeah.

Andrea 9:39
Okay, so what arousal cycle? Nobody ever talks about an arousal cycle.

Anne 9:44
Right. Well, I learned about it through a podcast with Dan allander. And who’s amazing Chen. Yeah. Rachel Chen. Amazing, and they talked about how women’s arousal cycles there can be slow or that you know, fast and Just to be patient with yourself. And what a relief? What a relief to know that,

Andrea 10:07
well, can I just say that if you, everybody is so aware of their menstrual cycle, right. And the association with that is when you’re moody or grumpy or hungry are it’s not kind, right. But then, you know, to switch that around is one thing, but then to also be aware of your arousal cycle is a beautiful gift to yourself and to your husband.

Anne 10:31
Yes, it’s a beautiful gift to know that and to be patient and kind and allow yourself to continue to want even if it takes longer. And if it’s fast, and you have a faster arousal cycle, that’s wonderful, too. But it’s, it’s to be patient with yourself. And to know that you have value and worth and pleasure is good. Pleasure is good. And that was a new phrase I had to learn.

Andrea 11:05
So say it, pleasure is good. Yeah, it is okay to say that.

Anne 11:09
It is very okay to say that.

Andrea 11:11
I do believe that we. In church, sex is not talked about a lot. in small groups, even intimacy of small groups, it’s not really talked about a lot. So let this be the start a conversation, right? Where, gosh, this is what I really want, or it takes me forever, or whatever. But these are must have conversations with your husband also.

Anne 11:41
Yes, yes. To have courage to have a very vulnerable conversation with your husband. And maybe you have to practice with your sisters out there. Right, sisterhood join together and talking about this. So that it can become something very special and powerful. And those conversations can become easier with your husband. If they’re difficult. Maybe they’re not difficult. But if they are, you know, you’ve you’ve got brands to talk to hopefully this is going to start the conversation. And you’ve got friends to talk to

Andrea 12:16
well, and I think that maybe even besides the awkwardness, a lot of us might not feel like we have permission to talk about sex. But give yourself permission to talk about sex. Yes, today. Today.

Anne 12:30
Yeah. Yeah, maybe it’s the first day you will will give yourself permission to talk about it. I also love I’m a researcher, too. Yes, you are. And so I love books. And I love to learn about things that are going to make a big difference in my life and my clients and in my friends. And I found a wonderful psychologist, Dr. Jennifer Degler. And I loved how she talked about three ingredients we need how well it’s like a Girl Scout tool or tip about that a fire needs oxygen, fuel and heat, okay, where it’ll diminish a fire will diminish if they don’t have all three of those ingredients. And she said it is just like our bodies that a woman needs three ingredients than and I’m going to, I’m gonna read them again. So I don’t miss it. But a second, we need a sexually healthy responsive body, which is the fuel. So that’s thinking about it. I’m taking good care of our bodies, exercising knowing it, knowing even when you feel arousal and fan that flame like oh, okay, there it is. Um, I felt something right. So a sexually healthy responsive body. emotional connection with our husband is the heat. So is there play and fun laughing grieving. It’s not just Okay, now we show up in the bedroom, and there’s going to be amazing pleasure and sex. And sometimes there is but if it’s not, it’s okay. Be patient. And the third one is of biblical perspective, the oxygen just knowing that God planned and desired us to have pleasurable sex. And he even made our bodies to receive that. And so if those can become our thoughts, it does help fanning the flame in our thought life. That it’s okay for me to receive pleasure to experience that with my husband and that will ban you know fanned the fire and when it starts to diminish, okay, let me let me go back to some basics perhaps and see how am I taking care of my body? How am I talking to it? How am I viewing it? By being harsh or condemning? Boy, that’s huge.

Andrea 14:58
There’s a lot to read. Oh man, I know. But what oh my gosh, think about in partnership with your husband to be able to say, okay, these are the three things I’m working on, because I really want to watch you, or I really want to want this and I really want it to feel good. So this is the fuel. This is the heat, this is the oxygen. And when you share that conversation with him, and then he can check in with you. Like, alright, what are we missing? Right?

Anne 15:25
Mm hmm.

Andrea 15:26
That’s what a powerful exchange? Yes, that’s us with really great repercussions.

Anne 15:33
Yes. And so building that relationship with your husband. And if if, you know if there are tensions and disappointments, in your marriage, in your relationship, seek help help in that area as well. It’s okay. We are strugglers, and if these conversations are difficult, you know, talk to somebody get some help together. These are complicated issues. And that’s why we’re we know this is the tip of the iceberg. And we know that we will continue this conversation to add new pieces to this

Andrea 16:09
for sure. Because especially the idea of low desire, instead of just losing patience, and with yourself and shrugging your shoulder and just pushing through and giving up. No, no, there’s more. God wants more. Yes, give yourself permission to ask for more and want more and figure it out, figure out what it is that you want. It will take time to practice and shut down all the open windows in your brain because your brain. I mean, this is you taught me that the most powerful sex organ that we have is our brain.

Anne 16:42
Yes. Yes. And and there’s also hormones related to that, like women are more estrogen. And so estrogen distracts us. And so you could be in the middle of like thinking about sex, and then all of a sudden, you’re like, oh, I have a grocery list to work on. Or I forgot to I did I turn the stove off or something. But that’s we are our bodies are complex. But if you understand it, you don’t shame it.

Andrea 17:07
Yes. Yes. This seems like revolutionary. Like Dan and I are like, Yeah, we just want you to see, it’s Yeah, and it’s not a quick fix. It’s not a quick fix. It’s not a quick fix, but it’s fixable. It is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Anne 17:28
Well, yeah, and even fixable is hard, but even all the want tears turned on all the you know, maybe shame or disappointment that you have just just know that it that it is a slow process, but it’s possible when patience and kindness and time and not to give up.

Andrea 17:54
Now, I’m Gosh, with this. There’s so much connected. It’s not. Yeah, there’s so much connected. I’m just thinking also about just triggers. I just heard something that triggers or unaddressed wounds. And so you know, something that you don’t even realize is Olson why you go cold or you go stiff to understand that. And again, that’s a whole nother conversation that is worthy of time. But I’m

Anne 18:23
so glad you even brought it up. If someone is listening and has a very painful past or painful experiences with this, we understand and we are not making light of that at all with this topic today. And we know you’re listening. And we know that our bodies do shut down. And if it has received you know, not good care. We know that and we are here for you also. So we believe our hearts go out to women. That’s what they do. Our hearts go out. And there’s

Andrea 18:57
so many. Gosh, we are so complex. So between the triggers of past trauma, or hormonal fluctuations, I mean, I had a hysterectomy very unexpectedly and I’m still I mean, this is five years today. Oh, figuring out what my hormonal balance should be what the prescription should look like and if I should even be on it. And that really messes with your water. Yes, it does. Yes,

Anne 19:26
but so great that you could tie those together. And you know, learn about your body learn about what happened after the hysterectomy. It takes a little research sometimes our book of conversation a podcast, right even today’s podcast will be helpful for somebody i

Andrea 19:44
don’t know i gosh, I believe that. So all the research that you put into this today, I know your heart and that you’re you had so much more you want to say today and that will be coming So what are some of the other things that we should be considering our listeners could even maybe this is sparking something for them. Some of the other things that maybe we will be touching on later in different episodes with relation to this? Well,

Anne 20:13
you know, we talk a lot about pornography addictions and affairs and how sexual brokenness affects our sexuality. And so we will be tying those into if there are sexual difficulties between a husband and wife that are experiencing a betrayal. And we know that we know that that interferes. And we know we’ll be getting to that. And we know that those are play a part.

Andrea 20:45
We talk a lot about becoming whole, yes. And sexual integrity, and and just integrity, unifying heart, mind, body, soul. And your body is usually especially for women is the last one. We can take care of other things or not other things, but the body really holds on to hertz, thoughts, ideas that it was taught. So this is really important. This is really important. How do we wrap up this? I mean, we will have so many links to the books that you’ve read. I know there’s podcasts that we’d love to share. And I feel like we share Jay stringer almost every time

Anne 21:30
Yes, yes, he’s been. And I know he’s taking this on as a big task for the coming year is hypo arousal, which is low desire, and I so stay tuned and follow him with what their new research he comes out with. But I would just love to close with a quote that I got from charity from restore tomorrow, which is an amazing ministry, and she has a quote, I’m going to read it that I deserve as much sexual pleasure as I can have. And I’m worth the time it takes, I might need a back rub, or I might just need to take a break. But I can ask for this, I matter. And I hope that you can find your voice in the bedroom, and I hope you can find your voice in this.

Andrea 22:24
What a blessing.

Anne 22:27
And I’d like to end if you’re ready to end with maybe a blessing of our prayer, maybe a blessing over our bodies. And so I looked up the term blessing, okay. And it said, especially a special favor, mercy are of benefit. So today I’d like to close with offering a blessing on our bodies as women. Lord, You have made us very well. You’ve made us beautiful and complex. We ask that you will bring a blessing upon our bodies as women, that you will heal us. Bless us. For special favor upon each woman that’s listening, mercy and benefit. Thank you for your love. Thank you, or a chance to talk today and would you be with each woman and new friend that is listening. Amen. Amen.

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